I'm a scumbag

Guys... I've been a member here since I was 17. Even when I hardly ever post about anything Fable-related, you're still my go-to for when I have something that, for whatever reason, I can't talk about with people I actually know.

You're like a diary, only mother****ing badass.

I just broke up with my girlfriend. I've been dating her for three years. Our first date was 23 December 2011. My sister's best friend.

For nine tenths of the relationship it's been long distance. I was living/going to school in the DC area, she was going to school near Philly and only home on the summer and winter breaks. Three hour drive to come visit.

I enlisted in the Coast Guard February 2014. Two months of boot camp, no contact but letters. Her letters helped me get through the experience more than anything else. Then I went to Maine (14 hour drive away) for my first unit. She ended up managing to visit like once a month for about eight months.

Then I went to Virginia for further training. Just finished my first month there. Before I headed down there I spent like two weeks at home. I visited home two weekends out of four in February.

We (me and my classmates) got our picks for our next unit about two weeks ago, and I ended up picking a unit in Alaska. A 72-hour drive or damn near a thousand dollar plane ticket away. I didn't want to get married. For a lot of reasons, it was a bad idea for her to come with me unmarried.

This Monday she kind of gave me an ultimatum. "Decide if you want to stay with me by Friday." We just spent like two and a half hours talking... I knew going into it that we SHOULD break up, but I didn't want to.

Basically... I am an ambitious little snot. I want a career in the Coast Guard. I have my little road map for where I should go. She would follow me if I asked, but she has some debts to pay off and just started a new job...

She initially wanted to be a zookeeper, went to school for wildlife conservation and management, but now she says that she doesn't care... she can find a job with animals anywhere. She just wants a life with me, wants to get away from home and her obligations and the life she has set before her and experience new things with me.

But all I'm sitting here thinking is that in this scenario I am ALL she has. She doesn't have any ambition or goal outside of being with me. It's all secondary. It feels like she is giving up any chance of accomplishment because she loves me... And I don't know if I love her with the same... totality. If I did, I would have already proposed, we'd be married, everything would be hunky dory.

But I've seen what a military career does to families. I've seen what a family does to a military career. I've already gone through one choice when I knew the unit I wanted to go to, but didn't want to pick it because it would hurt her.

I picked it anyway. Just by doing that I broke her heart. I could have fixed it, just said "hey, I love you, come be with me..." Or "hey, I love you, I'm going to try to get out of Alaska as soon as possible (true) and we can live together then." But I didn't.

The conversation ended when she basically said "hey, I want you, I think you're worth following around the Coast Guard" and I went "hey, I find it terrifying that that's what you want and you have no backup plan and that much pressure ****ing terrifies me and I want you to want more than to be with me..."

I'm a scumbag because I thought this was how this would turn out... I'm pretty sure this is how I thought it SHOULD turn out... and I still made HER be the one to break up with me.

She said "it's over." I didn't man the **** up and say "hey, I'm sorry I'm not what you want me to be, but I can't do this, we need to break up." I made her ****ing do it.

Because I am a mother****ing scumbag.

It's 1:30 and she's driving home from my parent's house after being forced to dump my ass.

And I am terrified that she is going to slide on some ice and get hurt or something. Some ****ing sirens are going off outside and I am conjuring all these horrible images.

I'm just... a terrible person.

Sorry guys, but you're the only ones I feel comfortable venting to right now. Sorry to be a downer this morning... I know this is way more depressing than finding out Gikoku and discoqueen are getting married, or Zarkes got a raise.

And yes, I realize that I am 25 years old (rounding up by five months, but **** it) and acting like I am about 17... what can I say, this is the only relationship I've every ****ing had. She's damn near my only close friend.

I feel... like I made the right choice but executed that choice in the worst possible way and would hurt me and her as much as possible.

I say again: I am a scumbag.

And PS, To make it worse, the whole time we were having this conversation she's emoting all over the place and I'm sitting here looking a tad bit depressed. And she's sobbing her eyes out and I'm thinking "I feel bad that I'm hurting you, but godammit, nobody's ****ing dead. This is not a crying matter. Would you stop it?" And she's getting more hurt because I'm just stating things like facts and acting too calm and her heart is breaking...

And now I start worrying whether I'm a sociopath or just an asshole. (Okay, not really, but you get what I mean.)

Walker said:

And now I start worrying whether I'm a sociopath or just an asshole. (Okay, not really, but you get what I mean.)

Click to expand...

Or maybe you're just human? Relationships rarely work out like they do in the movies after all.

P.S Super jelly you are going to Alaska. I've always wanted to go there. It is like Sweden but actually snowy....

Unknowingly, we've been in a similar - though different in many ways - situation for quite sometime now. Yes, Gikoku and discoqueen are getting married but our relationship hasn't come without its own troubles. Scott and I live 4000 miles apart. It's a close to $1000 plane ride each time we want to see each other, and we both have our own lives, though we always try to integrate each life into one another as much as possible. There's nothing easy about long distance relationships but at the end of day, it only works if both parties put the effort in. You can love one another as much as you want but really, it comes down to effort and what is worth more to each party.

I have no doubt that at the moment you're over-thinking, did you make the right choice etc. You'll both have your regrets but you may have just made the right choice for the both of you. It's your feelings and it's your lives. I can't tell you whether what decision you made was right or wrong. It's all subjective. I know I'd never choose anything over Scott, but that's me. I have my own dreams, and ambitions but I have to hold back for now. I want to train to be a veterinary nurse but I've chosen to wait until Scott and I are settled together in one place to do so. I'm desperate to get back in to full-time study but I've chosen to wait. I want to get married and I want a life with Scott - one way or the other. Some might say you've made the more sensible choice, but only time will tell. What I do know is that you're not a scumbag. All you did was make a decision that you thought was not only in your best interest but in her's too. You were being cruel to be kind, so to speak. Atleast that's how I see it. Things'll be alright, man, so don't be so hard on yourself.

Tsuyu said:

It is like Sweden but actually snowy....

Click to expand...

Wait, Sweden isn't snowy? My entire image of Vikings has been destroyed.

You feel you made the right choice so man up, deal with your guilt, and move on. Her ending with you could be the beginning of something better in her life. If you feel you made the right choice you've already put her through hell for both your sakes. Don't make it harder for her thinking youre having second thoughts after the fact.

Your guilt is proof you know what you did. However unpleasant and walker-like. Stand by your decision and move forward if you're sure this is the decision you'll least regret.

Though sit for and think for however long it takes. reflect on yourself and make sure you aren't simply afraid of commitment. She knows you're going into a coast guard career. You shouldn't break it off if it's simply that you donot think she can handle the consequences of her own decisions.

This is a toughie without knowing her. I think the main thing is if she realized the situation she wanted to put you into and how you felt too much pressure being her only real anchor to life. I can definitely relate to her, though, because I find myself to be very similar in that I'd sacrifice my own ambitions to give my girlfriend all the support she needs in following her own (I'm an INTP). In a situation like this you wanna be clear that all the burden of fulfillment doesn't fall on only one person.

In a sense, my life currently has a similar flavor, so to say, but things are going in a positive manner. As queenie, I'm waiting to get settled (and doing a fairly mundane job), my gf is going to school, but it's all for a better future.

Are you a scumbag? Maybe, for dragging it on for too long and not confronting her earlier by protecting yourself most likely. You being devoid of emotion. It's quite simple. 1. people are different. 2. I think the issue here is much more about you two as individuals and less about your relationship, which to me, seemed not to be a problem at all.

Another thing could be that you simply didn't want the relationship to last, but in order to protect your ego, you denied it.

Rumford said:

Wait, Sweden isn't snowy? My entire image of Vikings has been destroyed.

Click to expand...

Not an inch of snow this entire winter.

Global warming, man....

Don't worry though; I'm sure it was plenty snowy a thousand years ago!

Tsuyu said:

Not an inch of snow this entire winter.

Global warming, man....

Don't worry though; I'm sure it was plenty snowy a thousand years ago!

Click to expand...

Pretty much like Scotland then. Everyone assumes it snows all the time here - it doesn't. Lots of rain though. That part's true. When I was over in the U.S. for the holidays it was snow and blizzards galore and everyone kept saying "You're from Scotland - you must be used to it!" Haha, no.

queenofdisco said:

Pretty much like Scotland then. Everyone assumes it snows all the time here - it doesn't. Lots of rain though. That part's true. When I was over in the U.S. for the holidays it was snow and blizzards galore and everyone kept saying "You're from Scotland - you must be used to it!" Haha, no.

Click to expand...

I've been pretty disappointed with Scotland so far, been at least five times and not once have I seen a single inch of snow. Still it's worth going just to hear that crazy accent, and haggis, god I love haggis. If it wasn't so bloody cold I'd want to live there. But y' know I'm English, I'd probably end up with my head on a pike or something.

You're not a scumbag, and if you are I am too: I subjected myself to staying with my ex-wife for months and months after I wanted to leave her, simply because I wanted her to dump me. I don't think you were being selfish or anything, you have goals and a life quest and you were trying to encourage her to find her own too, maybe she would have found that while following you; but now she definitely will. You need to follow what makes you happy, and pressure from relationships can be torturous sometimes. I wish you good luck man, and I respect your choices.

Rumford said:

I've been pretty disappointed with Scotland so far, been at least five times and not once have I seen a single inch of snow. Still it's worth going just to hear that crazy accent, and haggis, god I love haggis. If it wasn't so bloody cold I'd want to live there. But y' know I'm English, I'd probably end up with my head on a pike or something.

Click to expand...

I confess: I have never tried haggis.

Firis said:

You're not a scumbag, and if you are I am too: I subjected myself to staying with my ex-wife for months and months after I wanted to leave her, simply because I wanted her to dump me. I don't think you were being selfish or anything, you have goals and a life quest and you were trying to encourage her to find her own too, maybe she would have found that while following you; but now she definitely will. You need to follow what makes you happy, and pressure from relationships can be torturous sometimes. I wish you good luck man, and I respect your choices.

Click to expand...

You were married!?

Tsuyu's right. Everyone is all grown-up now.

queenofdisco said:

You were married!?

Tsuyu's right. Everyone is all grown-up now.

Click to expand...

I am still technically married, the divorce isn't finalized yet. And I have two kids, lost my job and got one that pays less than half as much, and lost my home. Life goes on, changes too much, and if you can't keep up then that's okay the internet is here for you. :3

Firis said:

I am still technically married, the divorce isn't finalized yet. And I have two kids, lost my job and got one that pays less than half as much, and lost my home. Life goes on, changes too much, and if you can't keep up then that's okay the internet is here for you. :3

Click to expand...

Wow Dude that has been tough!!!!! If your Dog Died also you would have one hell of a Country song!!!!! Keep looking up man, life is all swings and roundabouts

Firis said:

I am still technically married, the divorce isn't finalized yet. And I have two kids, lost my job and got one that pays less than half as much, and lost my home. Life goes on, changes too much, and if you can't keep up then that's okay the internet is here for you. :3

Click to expand...

You got one hell of a mileage there man. Give it a few more years and you'll be that crazy guy that sits on the end of a bar who randomly starts talking to that guy who's clearly down on his luck.

queenofdisco said:

You got one hell of a mileage there man. Give it a few more years and you'll be that crazy guy that sits on the end of a bar who randomly starts talking to that guy who's clearly down on his luck.

Click to expand...

EH well it's where they keep the peanuts, and close to the privy also... And sometimes I just need a hand opening a bag of crisps, or with my crossword like, just saying

bluetain said:

EH well it's where they keep the peanuts, and close to the privy also... And sometimes I just need a hand opening a bag of crisps, or with my crossword like, just saying

Click to expand...

Were you also that guy I traded my kidney to for an *NSYNC album?

queenofdisco said:

Were you also that guy I traded my kidney to for an *NSYNC album?

Click to expand...

Well I had the steak, carrots, a dash of wostershire sauce and a heap load of crusty pastry, only thing missing was a nice juicy..... Well you know ps I am making liver and onions with nice creamy mash next week... Now I got the tatties, a load of onions and a back street boys cd, so if we can come to some kind of arrangement, well, that would be grand

Well I hope I'm not the crazy guy at the bar, queen
And my dog did die; but that was like four years ago haha.
You just have to believe in yourself and remember what made you happy before it all went wrong, that's part of the reason I've come back and bookmarked this forum again, I have a lot of great early internet memories here. It's a shame to see the community has faded somewhat, but I still find worth in participating in it.

queenofdisco said:

Everyone is all grown-up now.

Click to expand...

Don't worry. I still have the sense of humor of a 5-year-old

Wow, I still remember when Firis left for... reasons.
Good to see you back, though.