D
Darkside Hazuki
Guest
Darkside Hazuki's trip to... THE MALL!
Or rather I should say, "I made the major mistake of going to the mall on a Saturday night." As you might have guessed, the mall is the second friendliest place on the planet. That should be self-explanatory in itself, but... Have a looksee, folks.
To start today's topic off, here's what nearly ran into me as I desperately traversed the dangerous, Amazon-like maze of death and perverse nature that were the mall aisles, in search of both a new Nintendo DS game, and other little overpriced items I have no use for but absolutely have to have.
JERKS: The mall is most plentiful with these on a weekend evening -- in other words, these are the people who walk in a line with each other directly toward you in the mall aisles and don't bother to even think about moving out of your walking line. You always have to jump out of THEIR path. Guess what happens if you don't? You go slamming into one another in something that looks like a NASCAR wreck and then a jihad breaks out right there next to the Orange Julius. And yes, they're ALWAYS in a line, hogging up the aisle like they're sweeping a minefield. It's like having to deal with the ****ing British army during the Revolutionary War, except the people today wear way stupider-looking clothes, but kill you just as dead if you don't dive the hell out of their way.
THUGS: The second-most populated clique who freeload at the mall on Saturday night. These guys also fall into the Jerk category, but I discovered they were mostly teenagers who wear punk-ass clothing and chains, and have idiotic haircuts and hang out in friggin' Sam Goody half the night. They enjoy laughing loudly and talking noisily enough so other people hear things they have absolutely no interest in. Oh, Sharon's a whore? I did not know that. Thank you for telling me something that I never wanted to know ever. Often seen with their repulsive girlfriends, I observed.
GOTHS/FREAKS/EMOS: Easily the most frightening and soul-twisting encounter you'll ever have in a public place. There is nothing more life-changing than rounding a corner and nearly walking into a ten-foot tall nineteen-year old with more white and jewelry on his face than the Tin Man while wearing black and white stockings, military boots, and every other piece of clothing he could find while rummaging through Beetlejuice's closet. Looking at them seriously could not be worse if they were stabbing you. Dealing with the emos aren't as bad as the other two in this category, since you don't suffer some eye-damaging visual terror and they're mostly rounded up into Sam Goody too, but you need to be careful nonetheless. Especially if they cough on you, because you'll probably wake up the next morning with a Linkin Park CD buried bone-deep in your wrist.
It was such a hassle dealing with these morons that I told my faithful brother to go on ahead without me while I epically traversed the wicked aisles of overpopulation and disease, but it wasn't long before I overcame the evils and made it to Sam Goody. I didn't really want to go there myself, but my brother did, and they sometimes have cool stuff in there -- mostly video games priced at about ten million dollars while the same merchandise sells for ten bucks in the bargain bin at Software Etcetera just down the aisle.
Basically, there wasn't really anything I wanted in the store. But lo and behold, my expedition made progress once I made it to the very back of the store, for nestled deep between crappy overpriced Family Guy bobbleheads and posters of Evanescence, I discovered the store's true lost treasure!
At first, I knew not what to make of this treasure, as they also carried Jack Sparrow, Will Turner (OH BOY), and Maccus (the hammerhead first mate), but there was only one of this particular captain. Given the price of fourteen bucks and how I didn't have a whole lot of room left on my charge card, though, I placed this holy grail back, knowing little of its true worth at the time.
I went off and looked at the retarded instructional videotapes they carried for some weird reason, but then I noticed another group of mall expeditioners taking interest in the treasures that I had just gone through. And not only were some of them members of the THUG category, but one of them was personally examining the above-pictured Ark of the Covenant. It was then that I realized the treasure's real worth.
Luckily, the other expeditioner seemed to not be aware of its value either, and was being heckled at by the THUGs who were basically being idiots and wanted to leave. As soon as this fellow had turned away from the treasures, I snatched up the captain and took my leave like some... awesome mall ninja. He probably never saw it happen. I was wearing black pants, too, which probably helped.
Once I acquired this item of great value, I set back out into the mall aisles and its violent undertow that threatened to sweep me straight into friggin' hell itself, but luckily, my brother and I didn't plan on staying much longer. Just a run to Software Etc. for me was all I needed, and probably all I could handle in the face of this adversity called modern teenagers. So there I go, and try to decide whether to buy Rocket Slime or Mario & Luigi for DS.
SOCIAL CLASS CORNER TIME. Let's take a moment and examine the many types of people inhabit Software Etc., as it is a special place among the mall, and it sees more sorts than a Las Vegas casino day in and day out.
For starters, you'll find all the above social cliques in there these days. I have observed multiple times through field tests and in-depth investigations that Software Etc. is the most crowded ****ing place in the whole damned state on a Saturday night, and this evening is of course no exception. Everyone hangs out there, but who else does?
Children: Yes, kids like video games, I've discovered, and where do children at the mall like to go? No, not KBToys, you silly. Software Etc.! Also known as GameStop in some corners of the universe. The funnest thing for kids these days is to let something suck money and credit cards out of their Fairly Oddparents-brand wallets, and the best place to do this is the video game store. You will not find a happier place on earth when you venture in here, because this place is more loaded down with kids than an elementary school. And what do most of the kids here do? Keep in mind this is all factual research material that I have observed, and that you can use on either a report for college or just in everyday conversation.
1) Play the demo machines for hours at a time.
2) Knock things over and don't pick them back up.
3) Stand at the counter and slowly take up your space at it when you're in the middle of checking out.
4) Yell, scream, talk loudly and constantly, cry, whine, and what have you.
5) Look for game covers that have blood or naked women on them, and tell friends that games that don't involve killing are retarded.
6) Annoy everyone else present.
7) Tell anyone who will listen that the Wii will suck and PlayStation 3 will be totally awesome.
8) Aggravate the salespersons with idiotic questions.
9) Play some ****ty game for PSP.
10) Basically act like a douche.
The joy of childhood. And parenthood, for some. Speaking of which...
Mothers: This particular clique does not particularly want to be in Software Etc., but they have little choice, usually stemming from having to buy some overpriced game that their kid is demanding from them. Once in a great rare while, you might have the oppurtunity to witness a MILF being in here, but then you remember what else you're surrounded by. People in this category are completely and utterly incapable of telling children to knock it off and quit being a brat, and alas, I have not yet discovered some antidote for this. One that won't get me arrested, anyway.
Fathers: Generally the same sort of thing as the above clique, except a little less manly in most cases. Also completely and utterly incapable of shutting kids the hell up, at least in public. If you are to question your existence by politely asking him to tell his brats to cut the crap, there is a 2000 percent probability that you will be insulted, possibly in some other language. See below category.
Southsiders: There will always be at least one family of these in the store. They almost always speak some language other than English, and let their kids run around the establishment doing whatever they want. Basically a big conglomeration of all of the above three cliques.
As you might have guessed, yes, the store was full of these categories to the brim the second I walked in there, but thankfully, my patience level is much higher than that of these ingrates, so I was able to avoid getting into any battlezones in my visit. Of course, things never quite go as planned when YOU'RE IN THE JUNGLE, BABY.
While examining the numerous DS games, trying to figure out what to waste my money on while nine-year olds bumped into me while trying to look at the huge steroid-pumped man on the Madden 07 display, there sounded out a most noisy "WHONK" from right next to me. A member of the JERK category had been playing one of the demo machines, and had accidentally tipped over a Scarface game display stand right next to where I was. What does JERK do upon doing this? Keeps playing machine, and almostmakes it look like I'm the one who knocked it over. Then he just leaves the store. Truly the mall is a dangerous place.
Luckily, the store clerks understood who was at fault, so my quest continued unhindered. After deciding on Rocket Slime, I set out to find my lost brother, who had gone missing deep inside Barnes & Noble -- one of the most truly lethal places in the whole building.
The problem with Barnes & Noble is that not only can you not find the ****ing thing that you want to buy because it's such a labyrinth, but when you have to meet someone in there, it's a whole new ballgame. They should just throw a damned minotaur in there and call it a day. I could seriously walk around the whole store in the thirty minutes that it takes to do so and not find a single trace of human life, save for the freaking Starbucks. Of course, I could drown in all the Star Wars books that they have.
And I almost did when I finally discovered my brother at the very back of the store. In the thirty minutes that I was there, I had nearly gotten destroyed limb from limb in its aisles much like I had in the mall itself. That place is almost worse, but I managed to survive, and am here to report my findings now. Tonight's lesson is: Don't go to the ****ing mall on a weekend unless you're prepped for adventure and maybe death, along with as much time on your hands as I apparently do tonight.
Tune in next time when Darkside Hazuki finally gets around to the dentist visit he mentioned in the first topic.
Or rather I should say, "I made the major mistake of going to the mall on a Saturday night." As you might have guessed, the mall is the second friendliest place on the planet. That should be self-explanatory in itself, but... Have a looksee, folks.
To start today's topic off, here's what nearly ran into me as I desperately traversed the dangerous, Amazon-like maze of death and perverse nature that were the mall aisles, in search of both a new Nintendo DS game, and other little overpriced items I have no use for but absolutely have to have.
JERKS: The mall is most plentiful with these on a weekend evening -- in other words, these are the people who walk in a line with each other directly toward you in the mall aisles and don't bother to even think about moving out of your walking line. You always have to jump out of THEIR path. Guess what happens if you don't? You go slamming into one another in something that looks like a NASCAR wreck and then a jihad breaks out right there next to the Orange Julius. And yes, they're ALWAYS in a line, hogging up the aisle like they're sweeping a minefield. It's like having to deal with the ****ing British army during the Revolutionary War, except the people today wear way stupider-looking clothes, but kill you just as dead if you don't dive the hell out of their way.
THUGS: The second-most populated clique who freeload at the mall on Saturday night. These guys also fall into the Jerk category, but I discovered they were mostly teenagers who wear punk-ass clothing and chains, and have idiotic haircuts and hang out in friggin' Sam Goody half the night. They enjoy laughing loudly and talking noisily enough so other people hear things they have absolutely no interest in. Oh, Sharon's a whore? I did not know that. Thank you for telling me something that I never wanted to know ever. Often seen with their repulsive girlfriends, I observed.
GOTHS/FREAKS/EMOS: Easily the most frightening and soul-twisting encounter you'll ever have in a public place. There is nothing more life-changing than rounding a corner and nearly walking into a ten-foot tall nineteen-year old with more white and jewelry on his face than the Tin Man while wearing black and white stockings, military boots, and every other piece of clothing he could find while rummaging through Beetlejuice's closet. Looking at them seriously could not be worse if they were stabbing you. Dealing with the emos aren't as bad as the other two in this category, since you don't suffer some eye-damaging visual terror and they're mostly rounded up into Sam Goody too, but you need to be careful nonetheless. Especially if they cough on you, because you'll probably wake up the next morning with a Linkin Park CD buried bone-deep in your wrist.
It was such a hassle dealing with these morons that I told my faithful brother to go on ahead without me while I epically traversed the wicked aisles of overpopulation and disease, but it wasn't long before I overcame the evils and made it to Sam Goody. I didn't really want to go there myself, but my brother did, and they sometimes have cool stuff in there -- mostly video games priced at about ten million dollars while the same merchandise sells for ten bucks in the bargain bin at Software Etcetera just down the aisle.
Basically, there wasn't really anything I wanted in the store. But lo and behold, my expedition made progress once I made it to the very back of the store, for nestled deep between crappy overpriced Family Guy bobbleheads and posters of Evanescence, I discovered the store's true lost treasure!
At first, I knew not what to make of this treasure, as they also carried Jack Sparrow, Will Turner (OH BOY), and Maccus (the hammerhead first mate), but there was only one of this particular captain. Given the price of fourteen bucks and how I didn't have a whole lot of room left on my charge card, though, I placed this holy grail back, knowing little of its true worth at the time.
I went off and looked at the retarded instructional videotapes they carried for some weird reason, but then I noticed another group of mall expeditioners taking interest in the treasures that I had just gone through. And not only were some of them members of the THUG category, but one of them was personally examining the above-pictured Ark of the Covenant. It was then that I realized the treasure's real worth.
Luckily, the other expeditioner seemed to not be aware of its value either, and was being heckled at by the THUGs who were basically being idiots and wanted to leave. As soon as this fellow had turned away from the treasures, I snatched up the captain and took my leave like some... awesome mall ninja. He probably never saw it happen. I was wearing black pants, too, which probably helped.
Once I acquired this item of great value, I set back out into the mall aisles and its violent undertow that threatened to sweep me straight into friggin' hell itself, but luckily, my brother and I didn't plan on staying much longer. Just a run to Software Etc. for me was all I needed, and probably all I could handle in the face of this adversity called modern teenagers. So there I go, and try to decide whether to buy Rocket Slime or Mario & Luigi for DS.
SOCIAL CLASS CORNER TIME. Let's take a moment and examine the many types of people inhabit Software Etc., as it is a special place among the mall, and it sees more sorts than a Las Vegas casino day in and day out.
For starters, you'll find all the above social cliques in there these days. I have observed multiple times through field tests and in-depth investigations that Software Etc. is the most crowded ****ing place in the whole damned state on a Saturday night, and this evening is of course no exception. Everyone hangs out there, but who else does?
Children: Yes, kids like video games, I've discovered, and where do children at the mall like to go? No, not KBToys, you silly. Software Etc.! Also known as GameStop in some corners of the universe. The funnest thing for kids these days is to let something suck money and credit cards out of their Fairly Oddparents-brand wallets, and the best place to do this is the video game store. You will not find a happier place on earth when you venture in here, because this place is more loaded down with kids than an elementary school. And what do most of the kids here do? Keep in mind this is all factual research material that I have observed, and that you can use on either a report for college or just in everyday conversation.
1) Play the demo machines for hours at a time.
2) Knock things over and don't pick them back up.
3) Stand at the counter and slowly take up your space at it when you're in the middle of checking out.
4) Yell, scream, talk loudly and constantly, cry, whine, and what have you.
5) Look for game covers that have blood or naked women on them, and tell friends that games that don't involve killing are retarded.
6) Annoy everyone else present.
7) Tell anyone who will listen that the Wii will suck and PlayStation 3 will be totally awesome.
8) Aggravate the salespersons with idiotic questions.
9) Play some ****ty game for PSP.
10) Basically act like a douche.
The joy of childhood. And parenthood, for some. Speaking of which...
Mothers: This particular clique does not particularly want to be in Software Etc., but they have little choice, usually stemming from having to buy some overpriced game that their kid is demanding from them. Once in a great rare while, you might have the oppurtunity to witness a MILF being in here, but then you remember what else you're surrounded by. People in this category are completely and utterly incapable of telling children to knock it off and quit being a brat, and alas, I have not yet discovered some antidote for this. One that won't get me arrested, anyway.
Fathers: Generally the same sort of thing as the above clique, except a little less manly in most cases. Also completely and utterly incapable of shutting kids the hell up, at least in public. If you are to question your existence by politely asking him to tell his brats to cut the crap, there is a 2000 percent probability that you will be insulted, possibly in some other language. See below category.
Southsiders: There will always be at least one family of these in the store. They almost always speak some language other than English, and let their kids run around the establishment doing whatever they want. Basically a big conglomeration of all of the above three cliques.
As you might have guessed, yes, the store was full of these categories to the brim the second I walked in there, but thankfully, my patience level is much higher than that of these ingrates, so I was able to avoid getting into any battlezones in my visit. Of course, things never quite go as planned when YOU'RE IN THE JUNGLE, BABY.
While examining the numerous DS games, trying to figure out what to waste my money on while nine-year olds bumped into me while trying to look at the huge steroid-pumped man on the Madden 07 display, there sounded out a most noisy "WHONK" from right next to me. A member of the JERK category had been playing one of the demo machines, and had accidentally tipped over a Scarface game display stand right next to where I was. What does JERK do upon doing this? Keeps playing machine, and almostmakes it look like I'm the one who knocked it over. Then he just leaves the store. Truly the mall is a dangerous place.
Luckily, the store clerks understood who was at fault, so my quest continued unhindered. After deciding on Rocket Slime, I set out to find my lost brother, who had gone missing deep inside Barnes & Noble -- one of the most truly lethal places in the whole building.
The problem with Barnes & Noble is that not only can you not find the ****ing thing that you want to buy because it's such a labyrinth, but when you have to meet someone in there, it's a whole new ballgame. They should just throw a damned minotaur in there and call it a day. I could seriously walk around the whole store in the thirty minutes that it takes to do so and not find a single trace of human life, save for the freaking Starbucks. Of course, I could drown in all the Star Wars books that they have.
And I almost did when I finally discovered my brother at the very back of the store. In the thirty minutes that I was there, I had nearly gotten destroyed limb from limb in its aisles much like I had in the mall itself. That place is almost worse, but I managed to survive, and am here to report my findings now. Tonight's lesson is: Don't go to the ****ing mall on a weekend unless you're prepped for adventure and maybe death, along with as much time on your hands as I apparently do tonight.
Tune in next time when Darkside Hazuki finally gets around to the dentist visit he mentioned in the first topic.
