Cobalt Gamer
Resident miserable sod.
- Joined
- Aug 11, 2008
- Messages
- 1,740
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- Age
- 31
my novel?
Well in the past some people have told me my grammer fails ect. i have re written the first part of my novel andd want to see what peopel think.
[FONT="]I could see it coming from miles away, a large black SUV type car tearing down the small country road; I threw my arms in a mad frenzy in an attempt to flag it down. The car began to slow down as it got closer too me so I placed my hand into my coat pocket and pulled out a bronze cigarette case, I opened it, it was full at this point as id recently stopped off at a shop not too far away. I took the middle cig and flipped so it was in a different position to the others, I would smoke that one last, it’s just a strange trait I picked up as a teenager. I took the cig furthest to the right and placed it in my mouth and reached into my back pocket for the lighter. I lit my cig and took a long drag as the large black SUV pulled up in front of me. The car was much bigger then I had first assumed, it was taller then me and I’m a good 6 ft 5, the windows were tinted a dark brown colour, the tires where caked in mud which seemed to not touch the cars pitch black paint job. The tinted window began to roll down as I took a second drag from cig and turned away to blow the smoke, when I turned back I was met pretty much face to face by a women in her mid twenties. “Hello” she said in an annoying voice, the kind only a pop star would use. “Hello,” I said back in my wonderful Newcastle accent. “I’m looking for the way to camp Halowits, do you know the way?” The women looked at me for a second then turned back into the car. “What’s the way to camp Halowits again Johnny?” I heard her say to some-one who I assumed was her boyfriend. She came back and leaned out of the window once more. “It’s just up the road, we’re going that way we could give you a lift if ya like?” she asked in her voice, which was growing ever more annoying every time I heard it. “If it’s not too much trouble” I asked hoping the answer was “yes it’s too much trouble now we’ll be on our way.” Unfortunately it wasn’t. “Sure it’s no problem at all, just put out that cigarette and hop on in” My heart sank a little; I dropped the cigarette on the floor and dyed it out with my boot and climbed in the rather large SUV. As I opened the door I was hit by the smell of warm leather, I can’t stand the smell either so I was hoping this would be a quick trip. I sat up and placed the seatbelt on and tried to get comfy on the hard leather seats. “What brings you up this way then?” Asked the boyfriend in a very typical American accent. “Well I’m heading out to camp Halowits” I said with slight anger in my voice, “Camp Halowits aye? Well you’ll be lucky, I heard the place hasn’t been up and running for 10 years.”
“Yes that’s true but I bought the place with the intention of starting the camp up again, I was even given 10,000 dollars from the local town to bring that place back to life.” I said feeling slightly smug.
“I just realised, that’s a British accent right? Where do ya come from? London?” he asked
“Not all British people live in London ya know, but yeah I’m from Newcastle.”
“Oh right, how did ya come to learn about this place then?” he asked, his constant questions were starting to become both annoying and tedious.
“ Well my friend who lives in the town not too far from here told me about it and asked if I would like to invest some time and effort into the project, right now I’ve basically taken over the whole project. Now can you please not ask me any more questions about the camp?” I asked praying to God it would drill into his thick American skull.
“Ah ok” he said while rubbing his nose.”Well how would like to here about the story surrounding camp Halowits? And what happened 10 years ago?” he said with a sort of evil grin.
“Go on then” I said trying to sound interested.
“10 years ago the camp was booming with activity, children playing and enjoying themselves, swimming in the lake, ya know doing all the normal stuff ya do at a camp. Well one night something happened at that camp, no-one really knows what happened, but for the next couple of days no news came from the camp, and when the police went to investigate they found bones, lots of bones, no flesh, the poor kids and councillors couldn’t even be identified. The only person who was found alive was the care taker; he was locked in his hut with the door boarded up and a shut gun in his hands, the police arrested him on 39 counts of murder and GBH, but he was cleared a month later due to lack of evidence. He still lives out there you know.”
“Who?” I asked trying not to seem ignorant
“The caretaker, he still lives in his shack in the camp; I’d watch for him if I were you nothing ever seemed right about that man. Well we should be at the camp in about 15 minutes.”
“thank you.” I said as I turned to look out of the window, the scenery was mostly forest, but every now and then you could see the blue shimmering of a lake. “Here we are” Said the boyfriend how sounded slightly relieved, I got out of the car thanked them once more and they were on their way.[/FONT]
Well in the past some people have told me my grammer fails ect. i have re written the first part of my novel andd want to see what peopel think.
[FONT="]I could see it coming from miles away, a large black SUV type car tearing down the small country road; I threw my arms in a mad frenzy in an attempt to flag it down. The car began to slow down as it got closer too me so I placed my hand into my coat pocket and pulled out a bronze cigarette case, I opened it, it was full at this point as id recently stopped off at a shop not too far away. I took the middle cig and flipped so it was in a different position to the others, I would smoke that one last, it’s just a strange trait I picked up as a teenager. I took the cig furthest to the right and placed it in my mouth and reached into my back pocket for the lighter. I lit my cig and took a long drag as the large black SUV pulled up in front of me. The car was much bigger then I had first assumed, it was taller then me and I’m a good 6 ft 5, the windows were tinted a dark brown colour, the tires where caked in mud which seemed to not touch the cars pitch black paint job. The tinted window began to roll down as I took a second drag from cig and turned away to blow the smoke, when I turned back I was met pretty much face to face by a women in her mid twenties. “Hello” she said in an annoying voice, the kind only a pop star would use. “Hello,” I said back in my wonderful Newcastle accent. “I’m looking for the way to camp Halowits, do you know the way?” The women looked at me for a second then turned back into the car. “What’s the way to camp Halowits again Johnny?” I heard her say to some-one who I assumed was her boyfriend. She came back and leaned out of the window once more. “It’s just up the road, we’re going that way we could give you a lift if ya like?” she asked in her voice, which was growing ever more annoying every time I heard it. “If it’s not too much trouble” I asked hoping the answer was “yes it’s too much trouble now we’ll be on our way.” Unfortunately it wasn’t. “Sure it’s no problem at all, just put out that cigarette and hop on in” My heart sank a little; I dropped the cigarette on the floor and dyed it out with my boot and climbed in the rather large SUV. As I opened the door I was hit by the smell of warm leather, I can’t stand the smell either so I was hoping this would be a quick trip. I sat up and placed the seatbelt on and tried to get comfy on the hard leather seats. “What brings you up this way then?” Asked the boyfriend in a very typical American accent. “Well I’m heading out to camp Halowits” I said with slight anger in my voice, “Camp Halowits aye? Well you’ll be lucky, I heard the place hasn’t been up and running for 10 years.”
“Yes that’s true but I bought the place with the intention of starting the camp up again, I was even given 10,000 dollars from the local town to bring that place back to life.” I said feeling slightly smug.
“I just realised, that’s a British accent right? Where do ya come from? London?” he asked
“Not all British people live in London ya know, but yeah I’m from Newcastle.”
“Oh right, how did ya come to learn about this place then?” he asked, his constant questions were starting to become both annoying and tedious.
“ Well my friend who lives in the town not too far from here told me about it and asked if I would like to invest some time and effort into the project, right now I’ve basically taken over the whole project. Now can you please not ask me any more questions about the camp?” I asked praying to God it would drill into his thick American skull.
“Ah ok” he said while rubbing his nose.”Well how would like to here about the story surrounding camp Halowits? And what happened 10 years ago?” he said with a sort of evil grin.
“Go on then” I said trying to sound interested.
“10 years ago the camp was booming with activity, children playing and enjoying themselves, swimming in the lake, ya know doing all the normal stuff ya do at a camp. Well one night something happened at that camp, no-one really knows what happened, but for the next couple of days no news came from the camp, and when the police went to investigate they found bones, lots of bones, no flesh, the poor kids and councillors couldn’t even be identified. The only person who was found alive was the care taker; he was locked in his hut with the door boarded up and a shut gun in his hands, the police arrested him on 39 counts of murder and GBH, but he was cleared a month later due to lack of evidence. He still lives out there you know.”
“Who?” I asked trying not to seem ignorant
“The caretaker, he still lives in his shack in the camp; I’d watch for him if I were you nothing ever seemed right about that man. Well we should be at the camp in about 15 minutes.”
“thank you.” I said as I turned to look out of the window, the scenery was mostly forest, but every now and then you could see the blue shimmering of a lake. “Here we are” Said the boyfriend how sounded slightly relieved, I got out of the car thanked them once more and they were on their way.[/FONT]
Your the grammer nazi and this is my first peice were i really sat and down and thought about it so this shows what i'm capable of 
i think the original version is ont next page it sucked somthing bad.
DD could you do the honors please?
