New poem.

[Firis]

New poem.

Havent posted any in a while... I made this one in about 5 minutes.

Oh, no, here it is again.
Trying so hard, but I'ts harder than then.
Grim times are falling.
But it seems like im stalling.
Waiting here for something more.
Something I have yet to feel before.
Set me free, im dieing alive.
Help me be, the one, to make it; survive.
Needing your guidance.
Lead me from violence,
and all the other bad things that have drawn me away; from you.
What must I do?
Where must I go?
How do I know, that you are for me?
How can you help me; and make me see?
I want to get away from this, but I don't know how to flee!
Come to my aid, can't you show me?

 

[Cobalt Gamer]

Re: New poem.

+rep awesomes,

 

[Firis]

Re: New poem.

^Yo man, thanks XD.

 

[Tyloric]

Re: New poem.

Oh, no, here it is again.

"Oh no, it's here a again." makes more sense.

Grim times are falling.

This sounds awkward and doesn't make much sense. I'd prefer "Grim times are coming." It makes sense and you still get the rhyme.

But it seems like im stalling.

You switch tenses here and it might throw some people off. "But here I am stalling." would flow smoother.

Waiting here for something more.
Something I have yet to feel before.

I like this bit.

Set me free, im dieing alive.
Help me be, the one, to make it; survive.

Once again, this sounds very strange and doesn't make sense. Try as I might, I can't think of any corrections that would rhyme.

and all the other bad things that have drawn me away; from you.

Improper use of a semicolon. Use "away, away from you."

What must I do?
Where must I go?

I think "can" instead of "must" would flow better. But that's just me.

How do I know, that you are for me?

No need for the comma here. And as sense the rest of the poem is in present tense, yet this sentence is in present tense instead of "are" try "will be". This will make it future tense since the narrator is speaking of the future.

How can you help me; and make me see?

No need for a semicolon here.

I want to get away from this, but I don't know how to flee!

I would prefer "don't know where to flee!" Once again, just my preference.

Just my $.02. I like the poem, you just need to read over it more.

 

[Firis]

Re: New poem.

^Thank you, I know the common answer is "Google" but remind me, what is the semi-colon made for? I thought it was kinda like a comma. Anyway, +rep for the help!

 

[Tyloric]

Re: New poem.

A semicolon is used to further expand on an idea.

For example:
Jean lost her books; they fell out of her bag.

Instead of just saying "Jean lost her books" you're explaining how she lost them.

 

[Firis]

Re: New poem.

Ah okay! Thanks.

 

[Zjuggernaut]

Re: New poem.

That was pretty good. I wont give my feedback. I'm not a poet.