Nobody Will Come Between Us Now..

[Rad]

Nobody Will Come Between Us Now..

Tyler and Kira were friends since they were kids. Kira decided to go visit her family. She brought Tyler along but Tyler secretly loved her but Kira never did. He was only a friend to her. Both of them grew up in New York and wanted to get away from the urban life for just a week.

They finally reached the house. Kira was so excited to see her parents, she ran out and gave them a hug. Tyler only said Hi and remaind by the car. It was really late...

"Ughh I'm so tired that car trip was long I'm going to bad, Good Night Tyler" said Kira.

" Good Night Kira, I'm just going to go get my suitcase I left it in the car" said Tyler.

It was 11:34 PM and Kira and her family went to bed. The doorbell rang, Kira's dad woke up and went downstairs still half asleep. He opened the door.... Tyler was there he took out a Knife and stabbed him, He covered her fathers mouth and stabbed more... Blood was everywhere. He cleaned the knife and went up stairs.

He reached the mothers room, The mom woke up staring at Tylers cold blooded eyes, he put his finger on her lips and slit her throat... Tyler was smiling as he wiped the Knife on the bedsheets. He walked quietly to Kira's room.

"Tyler what are you doing here, what time is it?" said Kira still yawning and half a sleep.

Tyler pulled out the knife and smiled....

" Nobody will come between Us Now...."


It's just a short story that I came up with while being bored. I don't blame you if you don't like it but I came up with it in like 5 minutes. Didn't put much effort into it :\

 

[Tyloric]

Re: Nobody Will Come Between Us Now..

Well I have a few problems with it, to be honest.

You offer a bit of background as to him loving her, but that's all you provide. You don't give any thought process as how he's rationalizing his actions of killing everyone, or even why. Was it premeditated? On a whim?

You also offer information that doesn't benefit the story.

"Both of them grew up in New York and wanted to get away from the urban life for just a week."

This doesn't offer anything to the story if you don't build on it.

Overall, however, I think you could do something with this if you built on it much much more than you have here. As it stands now, I just feel it's too vague.

 

[Rad]

Re: Nobody Will Come Between Us Now..

Well I have a few problems with it, to be honest.

You offer a bit of background as to him loving her, but that's all you provide. You don't give any thought process as how he's rationalizing his actions of killing everyone, or even why. Was it premeditated? On a whim?

You also offer information that doesn't benefit the story.

"Both of them grew up in New York and wanted to get away from the urban life for just a week."

This doesn't offer anything to the story if you don't build on it.

Overall, however, I think you could do something with this if you built on it much much more than you have here. As it stands now, I just feel it's too vague.

Yea I see what ure saying, but Like I didn't put so much effort into it >_<, But maybe a rewrite wouldn't hurt?

 

[Cobalt Gamer]

Re: Nobody Will Come Between Us Now..

Yeah re write! i liked it but if you made it better it could be an awesome story!