Poem

[Triz]

Poem

I made this up in Math Class.... On my knees, as I bowed to that nine, I knew I was going to die. Then I saw that light as the sign. BLOOSH... Then I heard the voice of death whisper in my ear as the blood drip on my face.. no cure... I thought I might put this up here just to see if you guys tought somewhat of it..

 

[touma1212]

Re: Poem

im not a poet ar any good at anything like poetry in any way but i thinks its good, good job!!:thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup:

 

[Sunshine Acid]

Re: Poem

You should put it in a stanza.

 

[Albion Knight]

Re: Poem

You should put it in a stanza.

Seconded, It would make it easier to read. As is the poem blends into the sentence.

 

[KmAI]

Re: Poem

Seeing the ... after no cure. It seems to be "..." is where an enter should be pressed. There's only one of them? Is the explanation poetry too? I don't understand posting poems etc on these forums, as we're kind of obligated to not be jerks about it despite whatever quality it has. Do you want a serious critique or the occasional empty praise?

PS : If you want some prime examples of free verse to give something to compare with, here's some Saul Willaims ( a little pretentious as the pet project of Reznor but still decent)

Actually.. crap re-edit. That has an actual meter/rhyming scheme

YouTube - Saul Williams - Children of the Night

 

[Darg]

Re: Poem

I think it's pretty good, speaking from experience in math-class poetry. But, as a few others said, you should put it into a stanza to make it easier to read and appreciate.

 

[Devalion]

Re: Poem

Iambic Pentameter ftw.