Small story about Rosie the teddy bear and guild master

[sijli]

Small story about Rosie the teddy bear and guild master

The guild master had a family once. In oakvale. But for a long while ago they where killed by Jack Of Blades! In the first raid of Oakvale...

Guild masters daughter: Daddy daddy!

Guild master: Yes what my dear?

Guild masters daughter: I found a teddy bear!!

Guild master: Where?

Guild masters daughter: In the bushes. Near the beach!

Guild master: Great! what shall you name the bear?

Guild masters daughter: Rosie!!

Guild master: Good name my dear. If you excuse me I have to leave.

Guild masters daughter: Why? Where?

Guild master: to the guild that has been constructed.

Guild masters daughter: OK.

At the guild...

Guild master: Ey you there!

Constructer: Yes?

Guild master: is this the new guild of heroes?
Constructor: Yes why?

Guild master: I am a friend to Maze. You know that guy who's paid for the guild to be build.

Constructor: Oh yes come in.

Guild master: Thank you.

At home...

Guild masters daughter: Mommy!! There's a strange guy outside that told me that he was gonna burn down our home!

Guild masters wife: Oh he is probably just kidding.

Guild masters daughter: Probably?

Guild masters wife: Im going outside to look what he's doing.
When she came out she saw the houses on fire.

The guild masters wife took her daughter in the arm and push her to the door.

When they opened the door there stood a strange man with a mask on his face:

Jack Of Blades: HAHA! Were i kidding little girl?

And he killed them both.

At the guild...

Guild master: Well it's getting dark I better leave now.

Maze: OK good to see you.

When the guild master arrived home he saw nothing but ashes and dead bodies.

The guild master ran up to their house and saw his wife and daughter lying there dead.

He took the bear and throwed it away.

His family and heart was crushed.

Later a little girl found Rosie. The girl you helped in the beginning of fable.

And the Guild master became the guild master after that the first guild master has died.

And the first guild master was father to Thunders father.And i told you that the guild masters daugther found Rosie.

Before that Rosie belonged to Jack Of Blades.

Jack of Blades father made the teddy bear for him.

I am sorry for any eventually misspelled words.

 

[Triz]

Re: Small story about Rosie the teddy bear and guild master

It could have been better if you had put in quotes and add in a lot more detail.

 

[droded]

Re: Small story about Rosie the teddy bear and guild master

It's all very jumbled and complex when you get to the end. Also you could have bolded the names of the characters speaking to make it alot easier to read.

It also doesn't make much sense.

 

[sijli]

Re: Small story about Rosie the teddy bear and guild master

OK. well hope some1 liked it but.. i didnt expect anything.

 

[Triz]

Re: Small story about Rosie the teddy bear and guild master

It's all very jumbled and complex when you get to the end. Also you could have bolded the names of the characters speaking to make it alot easier to read.

It also doesn't make much sense.

I agree with droded.


Welcome back droded!

 

[sijli]

Re: Small story about Rosie the teddy bear and guild master

i may delete the story

 

[Angel]

Re: Small story about Rosie the teddy bear and guild master

No, why should you? It's a good concept and if you just edit it slightly so that there is more distinction between who is saying what and to whom, then I see no reason why you haven't got a nice little story there

+ Rep

 

[Triz]

Re: Small story about Rosie the teddy bear and guild master

I agree with Angle. It is a good story. You just need a little bit of a touch up with who saying who.

 

[sijli]

Re: Small story about Rosie the teddy bear and guild master

No, why should you? It's a good concept and if you just edit it slightly so that there is more distinction between who is saying what and to whom, then I see no reason why you haven't got a nice little story there

+ Rep

Thanks im gonna do that
Now i made it! hope you can see any difference i might edit it more later

 

[Angel]

Re: Small story about Rosie the teddy bear and guild master

Good