This is getting pretty bad

[Necromancer]

This is getting pretty bad

I am in need of some assistance/advice. Not really for me, I just need some help on how to help a friend. His name's Michael. You might remember him from this thread. There's a lot to what's happening with him right now. I'll try to organize it as best I can.

As I've said before, he has a fairly severe case of OCD. This is the root of most of the current situation.

During the last month or so of summer, he had a girlfriend named Emma. For reasons I don't completely understand, his OCD makes him attached to girls he dates fairly quickly, so it didn't take too long for his world to revolve around her, especially considering that they both took each other's virginity. Then, the day before he started school again, she dumped him and started dating another guy. Once again, his OCD starts to amplify the incredibly strong emotions he's feeling. When he gets dumped, he falls into an extremely deep depression that takes him months and months to get over even when the relationship was as short as this. He almost tried killing himself after getting dumped by the girl before Emma, so it's nothing to joke around about.

After this happened, he began smoking a lot of weed. This is somebody who would do it maybe once every couple of weeks before all this happened, which is totally fine, but now, he's been doing it every day for the past two or three weeks. I spoke to him about it a little bit today, and he told me about what's been going on. He said that he's been going to school every day totally burnt out from smoking the night before, and that his grades have definitely suffered. He said that the only time he's happy is when he's high, and that being sober is torturous. It also starts to affect brain activity when you do it that much, and it'll affect his performance once swimming season starts (he's a swimmer). Obviously he's started to develop an addiction, and he knows it. He knows he needs to quit, and he said he's going to start trying right away, but that's definitely easier said than done. The first couple of days without weed will be hell due to his dependence on it and his lingering depression from losing Emma. I'm just not sure how well he's going to do.

Basically, I need help with two things. I'd like some suggestions and ideas other than my own as to how I can keep him away from and off of weed, and once that's taken care of for the most part, I need some ways of helping him cope with his inevitable bouts of depression. So far, this is what I've done: I've talked to Jake (the same one from the other thread. He's been smoking with Michael nearly every time over the past few weeks) and made him aware of everything in the situation that he wasn't aware of already, which was mainly just how the excessive marijuana use is affecting Michael. He's agreed to help Michael stop. I also try to keep Michael's mind off of Emma in every way I can think of, but it's difficult. As its name would imply, his condition causes him to obsess over her and constantly think and talk about her.

Any ideas?

 

[killerequinox]

Re: This is getting pretty bad

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. You obviously care about him deeply and it sounds like you're doing everything you can to help him. I don't know how much help I can be as I'm not a doctor and I don't have much knowledge of people suffering from OCD, but I'll try.

I've heard that people use drugs, alcohol and smoking as a way to get a quick fix, and often times people with depression will use these things to escape from the pain they're in. My suggestion would be to get him to replace weed with something else that makes him happy and takes his focus away from the break up. I think there are also places that have helped people with OCD cope with the disorder, and even beat it. That's all I can really say. I think it's great you want to help him, and I hope he finds a way to be happy and drug free.

 

[GrimWhim]

Re: This is getting pretty bad

He needs help of two kinds. One, a drug rehabilitation center and the other a psychiatrist. He's not going to get better on his own and things like this don't just disappear because he says they do. If you don't want to see him hurt I'd highly advise both of those things. Even if he hates you or gets angry at you for even suggesting it, it is definitely worth knowing he won't continue on that path of self-destruction and he might even get help for his OCD.

I doubt it'll be cured but they can help make it less severe or give him ways to cope with it without the need to do something idiotic.

 

[cheezMcNASTY]

Re: This is getting pretty bad

best way to wean off weed: have him start smoking spliffs (that is, a rolled cigarette with weed in it). make sure you, or someone else committed to the cause roll these for him so he doesn't know exactly how much or little weed is in it. start him at 50%, and work your way down. unfiltered tobacco can give you a temporary weed-like feeling that lasts several minutes, so it will be hard for him to tell. have an allotted time each day you do this, so as to keep him from smoking all the time. eventually he will be on pure tobacco and won't know the difference. it takes a long time (a year for me) of habitual smoking to develop a tobacco addiction, so i wouldn't worry about that.

as for dealing with the depression, get him happy movies, cheerful music, make his life a joy as best you can. be more upbeat and friendly than you usually are (if possible) so that friendly companionship substitutes female companionship. it won't be easy at first, but after a while he will begin to get over it. the most important thing is constant vigilance, and not to let him get you down. being around a depressed friend like that can be taxing, you just have to shut out his negativity and change the subject, keep him active. no sitting around the house, he needs to be either doing homework or out having fun with you and your friends.

that's the most you could possibly do.

a drug rehabilitation center

drug rehab is usually reserved for the drugs with a high physical addiction. marijuana is a mental dependancy, most places will laugh you out if you come in saying you're addicted to weed.

 

[droded]

Re: This is getting pretty bad

Steal his weed, steal his money, have a stripper party.

 

[queenofdisco]

Re: This is getting pretty bad

I've got OCD too, ****es me right off. I look like a fricken wacko checkin my pockets every five seconds, and running to see if that door is locked, even though I know it is.

I've never been tested about it, but It's pretty clear I have it, dunno if mine is mild, or severe sometimes I can ignore the fact that I NEED to do something, other times I cant.

 

[White_Howler]

Re: This is getting pretty bad

His dependency on weed is bad, the drug itself isn't. I know plenty of people who use every day and they function normally. It is the kind of drug that affects everyone differently, and if he used to be a once or twice a week smoker with a low tolerance the sudden increase of his intake will definitely affect him. Especially with him being a swimmer, not the thing for him.

I fail to see anything OCD about your friend as you haven't given any specifics, however he is your friend so I really wouldn't know. But please explain how his OCD makes him over-emotional about a girl? That doesn't seem like OCD, it seems like he has difficulty in dealing with his emotions. He seems over-emotional, and I think he doesn't know what to do with all his emotion. (for all I know he could be like me and sensitive to the emotions of others, it doesn't help) He needs to learn to control his emotions, and I say this not as an insult, but from personal experience. I used to be much the same way in that my emotions were largely uncontrolled and ran wild, it's not really OCD. So again, could you explain how his OCD affects his feelings for his girl (or ex-girl I should say)?

Some of the things I wanted to say have already been said. Bring him cheery music, take him out places, make sure you give him some happy days. DO NOT, by ANY means, let him be alone for any reason at any time. He NEEDS people to surround him with love and understanding. Also, if he refuses to come out because he's sad, go to his house and drag his *ss out. He needs people, company, an empathetic ear.

At the same time, don't just distract him from his pain. He needs to face it at some point, not necessarily right away, but he DOES need to deal with it. If he runs from it, all that will happen is that he will be haunted by memories he wished he didn't have. His situation seems much like my first true relationship. We lost our virginity together, it ended badly with her leaving me for some other guy and blaming everything that went wrong on me. It hurt for a loooooooooooong time... but it didn't start getting better until I faced it head on and dealt with the pain and guilt. Years after I still deal with the repercussions of that terrible relationship, but at least it's gotten MUCH better. It won't get better for him until he faces it. In the meantime do what you can to make him feel better.

Again, my advice comes from personal experience so do what you will with it. But as I said it doesn't seem like an OCD problem... it seems more like your friend has difficulty dealing with his negative emotions. I am NOT you or your friend so I CANNOT speak for him, but that is what it seems like.

I sure hope this helps.

 

[queenofdisco]

Re: This is getting pretty bad

yeah he seems more bipolar than ocd....

Mind explaining his ocd? As said, he doesn't really seem it. Just over emotional.

 

[droded]

Re: This is getting pretty bad

yeah he seems more bipolar than ocd....

I disagree, we haven't heard any details on what his OCD includes.

Bipolar disorder is completely different to anything that Necro mentioned in his initial post.

 

[Angel]

Re: This is getting pretty bad

Just be his friend - not being funny, but until he's willing to do more than just SAY he wants to stop, there's little you can do on that side of things.

If you make it your personal mission to help "fix him", you could wind up disappointed, disillusioned and very very tired - there are plenty of places which would be willing to assist him and your own job, in all honesty, is to be there for him, have fun with him and support him when he's down.

 

[El Mosqueton]

Re: This is getting pretty bad

Just be his friend - not being funny, but until he's willing to do more than just SAY he wants to stop, there's little you can do on that side of things.

If you make it your personal mission to help "fix him", you could wind up disappointed, disillusioned and very very tired - there are plenty of places which would be willing to assist him and your own job, in all honesty, is to be there for him, have fun with him and support him when he's down.

This Angels speakes (writes) the truth.

 

[White_Howler]

Re: This is getting pretty bad

Just be his friend - not being funny, but until he's willing to do more than just SAY he wants to stop, there's little you can do on that side of things.

If you make it your personal mission to help "fix him", you could wind up disappointed, disillusioned and very very tired - there are plenty of places which would be willing to assist him and your own job, in all honesty, is to be there for him, have fun with him and support him when he's down.

Angel is right, and it's not up to you to make life decisions for him.

However the last paragraph here is very much summary of what I tried to explain, just far better worded.

 

[Angel]

Re: This is getting pretty bad

Just make sure you're not the only friend this guy has - being the sole one to somebody in this situation is just as draining as fixing them. You'll just end up feeling used and frustrated, so make sure there are at least a couple of others who know what's going on and be a friend in shifts, if need be. Sounds a bit clinical, I know, but you'll burn out otherwise.

 

[GrimWhim]

Re: This is getting pretty bad

Angel is right, and it's not up to you to make life decisions for him.

However the last paragraph here is very much summary of what I tried to explain, just far better worded.

Sometimes you have to **** people off in order to do the right things. My mother abuses prescription pills and I wish I had taken her to see someone who could help her but I had no way of doing so. Now she's homeless and I haven't heard from her in a while. Now, obviously, a mother is far more important than a friend but that doesn't make them unworthy of receiving your love and help.

If he really cares about his friend, he should do his best to do something to help. I have never done drugs or even gotten a buzz from drinking alcohol so I realize how utterly useless my advice is but I do know one thing... and that's how precious friends are. It hurts to see a friend doing things like this to himself and it's only natural to want to do whatever you can to help them.

Wish I could be more help to you, Necro.

 

[Angel]

Re: This is getting pretty bad

There's definitely a time for tough love, I'd agree with that. It's just picking the right time to say "no, I'm not enabling you right now - you either do such and such or this isn't going to work out for anyone".

I lived with an addict for 2 and half years and they preferred everything to be handed to them on a plate because no effort on their part was required. And there was always someone who gave in to their demands for attention one way or another and it did them no good whatsoever. Of course, he's dead now so not the best example. It's more than wanting to be helped - you have to actively participate in the process. You can't force someone to go to a doctor, for example, and spill their guts. I wish you could - might save people a lot of time and hassle.

 

[White_Howler]

Re: This is getting pretty bad

Sometimes you have to **** people off in order to do the right things. My mother abuses prescription pills and I wish I had taken her to see someone who could help her but I had no way of doing so. Now she's homeless and I haven't heard from her in a while. Now, obviously, a mother is far more important than a friend but that doesn't make them unworthy of receiving your love and help.

If he really cares about his friend, he should do his best to do something to help. I have never done drugs or even gotten a buzz from drinking alcohol so I realize how utterly useless my advice is but I do know one thing... and that's how precious friends are. It hurts to see a friend doing things like this to himself and it's only natural to want to do whatever you can to help them.

Wish I could be more help to you, Necro.

That's... awefully depressing Grim. I'm sorry you had to experience that.


But, while I agree to a point, no one can force anyone to do anything. He SHOULD try to get his friend some help, but he can't force him to get help.

All that can be done is be there for him and do what you can to help him. In the end, it has to be his choice however.

 

[GrimWhim]

Re: This is getting pretty bad

There's definitely a time for tough love, I'd agree with that. It's just picking the right time to say "no, I'm not enabling you right now - you either do such and such or this isn't going to work out for anyone".

I lived with an addict for 2 and half years and they preferred everything to be handed to them on a plate because no effort on their part was required. And there was always someone who gave in to their demands for attention one way or another and it did them no good whatsoever. Of course, he's dead now so not the best example. It's more than wanting to be helped - you have to actively participate in the process. You can't force someone to go to a doctor, for example, and spill their guts. I wish you could - might save people a lot of time and hassle.

I was going to say something rather lengthy but I've decided against it. I don't want to hijack this thread. Maybe when I've lost all common sense I'll post it in my own thread.

That's... awefully depressing Grim. I'm sorry you had to experience that.


But, while I agree to a point, no one can force anyone to do anything. He SHOULD try to get his friend some help, but he can't force him to get help.

All that can be done is be there for him and do what you can to help him. In the end, it has to be his choice however.

That's not true. If that person is a danger to themselves or those around them you can force them to get help though it certainly won't improve your relationship with them. Don't feel sorry for me, my whole life has been a horrible depressing mess and while I used to let it get me down, I don't anymore. Sure, **** still happens and I get screwed over on a daily basis but feeling sorry for myself achieves nothing... then again, neither does pretending to be happy, I'm screwed either way.

 

[Angel]

Re: This is getting pretty bad

Maybe it depends on location? Here, there has to be certain criteria being met for someone to be forced to take help. We've got people who are available but only under certain circumstances do the wishes of the patient (for want of a better term) become secondary to the wishes of others.

 

[White_Howler]

Re: This is getting pretty bad

I was going to say something rather lengthy but I've decided against it. I don't want to hijack this thread. Maybe when I've lost all common sense I'll post it in my own thread.



That's not true. If that person is a danger to themselves or those around them you can force them to get help though it certainly won't improve your relationship with them. Don't feel sorry for me, my whole life has been a horrible depressing mess and while I used to let it get me down, I don't anymore. Sure, **** still happens and I get screwed over on a daily basis but feeling sorry for myself achieves nothing... then again, neither does pretending to be happy, I'm screwed either way.

If you thought I pity you I don't, pity is for the weak. And you obviously have a background much akin to my own, and I know what it takes to come out of bull***t after bull***t. Instead of pity I give you respect, I said what I said because people shouldn't have to grow up and live like that... but it still happens anyway.

It doesn't seem he is going to be a danger to others or himself because of drugs however. Weed is not something to be worried about. He is using a placebo effect essentially. The statement of 'I'm only happy when I'm high', is just him calling out for help because he's in pain and he doesn't know what to do. He DOES need help, but it's emotional help he needs, not drug counseling.

 

[Necromancer]

Re: This is getting pretty bad

Thanks to everyone who has offered advice and assistance. I really appreciate it. I should clarify a few things though.

He definitely does have OCD, not something else. He's been to a doctor, he's been diagnosed, he takes medication daily, and he sees a therapist. That's all been happening for years, but it doesn't exactly solve everything.

please explain how his OCD makes him over-emotional about a girl?

Mind explaining his ocd? As said, he doesn't really seem it. Just over emotional.

I'm not really too sure about how his OCD works. He doesn't tend to talk about it very much. I would imagine that part of it has to do with his obsessive thoughts about her. Literally not being able to get her out of his mind has to make it more painful. There's probably a little more to it than that, but I'm just not completely sure. What I am sure of though, is that it is his OCD that makes everything worse, not just the inability to control his emotions. I've seen people that just can't control their emotions in situations like this, and it's not the same at all. I've never seen anyone act the way Michael does when this happens. I'm not sure how it happened with Emma, but when the girl before her broke up with him, he was insanely hysterical for hours. Tears ran down his face, he was screaming and yelling, he locked himself in his bedroom, he was smashing his head against the walls, and it was impossible to understand what he was saying even when I was in the room with him. We went for a walk later that night and that's when he almost tried jumping in front of a car.

Just make sure you're not the only friend this guy has - being the sole one to somebody in this situation is just as draining as fixing them. You'll just end up feeling used and frustrated, so make sure there are at least a couple of others who know what's going on and be a friend in shifts, if need be. Sounds a bit clinical, I know, but you'll burn out otherwise.

We have a solid group of friends. Having others around that know the situation won't be much of an issue.

Sometimes you have to **** people off in order to do the right things.

There's definitely a time for tough love, I'd agree with that.

There is a time for that, I agree with that too, but I don't think it's necessary in this situation. It's not as if he's a meth addict saying, "I don't have a problem!" He just has to stop using weed as a crutch, and he knows it. I just need to help him follow through with what he already wants to do because I don't know how it would work out if he were doing it by himself.