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Catacomb B [suspense]

Discussion in 'Barrow Fields Art Gallery' started by Firis, Jun 13, 2010.

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  1. Firis

    Firis Amateur Human Platinum Supporter Legendary Hero

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    Catacomb B [suspense]

    The dirty catacombs smelled of rotten flesh and the walls were covered in spider webs, James was starting to wish he hadn't come down to this place, with the monsters clawing at the walls and snakes slithering around his feet. James never would have considered it, especially as poorly equipped as he was, but Lilith was worth it; his love, or soon to be anyway was captured and brought down here, where monsters and demons lie. She was dragged down here by a deadly cult, and he would rescue her.

    The halls seemed to go on forever, an endless stretch of grey and brick; they did something to his mind, for no reason that he could think of, he chuckled madly. James stepped further in, torch in one hand, dagger in the other some odd music came up from the catacombs. Screeching noises came in line, an evil chant. As he took another step his hair was blown back from a strong wind that smelled of mold and rotting flesh. His instincts told him to run, it took every fiber of his being to push himself further to find his love, something chirped eerily then a shadow jumped out at him. He slashed at it as it screamed he sidestepped and peered at what he had hit: A Goblin, grey, scaly and bumpy with yellow eyes, those evil eyes closed slowly as a crackly breath escaped the dying creature, James pushed on to find the chanting and the cult.

    He was deep in the recesses of the catacombs now, the chanting and noise became much louder and clearer, he broke into a jog as his torch was nearly out and then he would have to pull out his slightly less powerful Lamp. As he grew closer the noise stopped, and so did he; he listened intently for a hint of the cult or his wife, but he heard nothing. He sprinted in the direction where he last heard the noise, in mere minutes he had arrived to a doorway. As he reached for the doorknob he readied his dagger, he slammed open the door ready to fight, but nothing was there, or more precisely no living thing was there. Twelve robed corpses lay on the ground, mutilated by some force his wife missing, all except for her foot and an eye, he began to sob, but also looked around searching for what killed them, as he wiped the tears away the gust of wind he had smelled earlier came from behind...

    Crunch.



    Not bad for a twenty minute effort?
     
  2. Tyloric

    Tyloric Illogical Process of Elimination

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    Re: Catacomb B [suspense]

    I took the liberty of beta reading it for you. <3

    Not bad, but you need to learn to go back and proof read. All my changes are in bold.
     
  3. Firis

    Firis Amateur Human Platinum Supporter Legendary Hero

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    Re: Catacomb B [suspense]

    ^Thank you, and the suggestions you sent over Facebook will help as well.
     
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