Girl Advice

[killerequinox]

Girl Advice

Okay, so there’s this girl, Amanda. She’s everything to me. I’ve had a lot of different girlfriends (not to brag, but compare), and none of them have made me feel anything close to what Amanda does. I’ve been in love with her for over two years now.

I think I should clear something up though—she’s not my girlfriend. Here’s what happened: I fell in love with her almost immediately after we met, but I never confessed my attraction to her. I wasn’t reading her signals correctly... so at the time, I thought she didn’t like me.

There was another girl, Alexis. She came around the same time Amanda did, and she was flirting with me a lot. My attraction for her was steadily increasing as the days went by, and when she finally began telling me how she was falling for me, I jumped hastily into a relationship. The feeling of being loved by someone was intoxicating. Though, as long as I was with her, my heart felt empty. I was still in love with Amanda, but I couldn’t admit that to Alexis.

As soon as Alexis and I got together, Amanda seemed upset, and it showed whenever I was around her. She was my best friend at the time, and she wouldn’t tell me what was wrong, so I was confused and worried.

I told Alexis that I wanted to end the relationship, but she made me feel guilty and said that I was the only guy to understand her, and she even went as far as saying she would kill herself if she lost me. I made the idiotic decision to stay with her a while longer, and in doing so, lost Amanda to guy named Tyler, another longtime friend of hers.

Later on, Amanda finally revealed her true feelings for me, and it blew me away. Apparently I had been reading her wrong the whole time and she was falling for me too. I told Amanda how I felt and she was as equally surprised as I was. For a long time we had deep, emotional conversations, and she seemed torn between me and Tyler. She would tell me all the time that if I had chosen her instead of Alexis, that we could be together.

It has been over a year since and she’s still with him. I haven’t moved on. She will always be the girl I love. Several other girls have tried to be with me, yet I’ve stayed adamantly in love with her.

She tells me that she’s happy now, but there have been a lot of times when we talk about the past, and it seems like she wishes things were different. I tell her how much I still love her and how we could have been married with kids and had an amazing life. She gets a sad look on her face and on occasion she has said that she wants that with me too, and it gave me hope for a while, but lately she’s saying less and less, and instead only frowning when it gets brought up.

I don’t know what to do anymore, the more I fight for her, the more it hurts both of us, but I can’t just let her go... I need help. I’m usually the one giving advice and never taking it, but right now I need it more than ever.

 

[Hermit]

Re: Girl Advice

two words


"Chlorophorm" and "rope"

 

[GrimWhim]

Re: Girl Advice

I'd like to say something about Alexis first if you don't mind. When anyone threatens to kill themselves over losing someone, they never go through with it. Well... I guess it would be ignorant of me to assume no one has done it but nine times out of ten, it's a bluff and if you call their bluff, you'll be better for it. It's an effective tactic and I myself have tried it once or twice.

It doesn't make me feel good but guilt can do a lot to a person and not often is it a good thing. I don't know how you truly feel about Alexis but I understand where you're coming from on the whole love being intoxicating thing. It's not fun being alone and to be honest, it's one of the most painful feelings in the world.

It doesn't help the fact that, that pain is reinforced with constant imagery of others in love and being affectionate with one another. Nevertheless, I suggest you evaluate how you feel about Alexis first. Do you really care about her? Do you honestly love her? Is she worth sticking with? If not, try to bring her down easy because that's not going to help either of you if you keep dragging that out.

As for Amanda, she's a lost cause I'm afraid. This is evident by the fact that she hasn't made any sort of attempt to remove Tyler from the equation (I'm assuming she hasn't but I can't be certain for obvious reasons). I realize you love her but take it from someone who has been in a position eerily similar to yours and just let her be.

You should do your best to get her out of your mind and if absolutely necessary, stop talking to her all together. I realize how hard that is but you need to do it for the both of you. Honestly, I wish I could be of more help to you and give you advice that would help you get with her but I'm afraid I'm not capable of such things.

I just want you to know you're not alone in this, others have been through similar situations and it's just not pleasant.

 

[Arseface]

Re: Girl Advice

It's a sad set of circumstances, and I empathize. I'm not sure there's anything you can do, though.

 

[Hermit]

Re: Girl Advice

'Dis Tyler boy sounds like an okay guy ...

Too bad they gon' find'im in da riva.


You know what you gon' do? Eh? You gon' get yourself a gun, and blaze dat stupid bastid for steppin on your turf, know what I'm sayin' pal?

Spoiler

Mobsters are fun.

But on a more serious note, if you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If not, hunt it down and kill it.

 

[Warpedhero]

Re: Girl Advice

I mostly agree with GrimWhim, but here's my two cents:

I been there, man. Two girls, same deal. I'd never been with anybody before and one day I met the first girl. She was a nice girl, and she'd just broken up with her boyfriend a few days before that. We talked and eventually got together. A few days later, I noticed something was wrong, and she eventually told me that she'd been talking to this other guy on the phone and was 'confused'. (A note about the 'confusion'; she wasn't confused, as she wanted me to believe, about who she wanted to be with. She was confused about how to dump me.) I just told her, pick whoever you want, and left. She picked him, dated him for six months, married him, and got a divorce two weeks later.

Second girl I was with for a couple weeks, and I really liked her. Found out by the third week she was seeing her ex and a few other people on the side, so I dumped her.

The lesson here is, "Don't sweat it."

I've known girls that, well, I won't say I was "in love" with them, just infatuated.
We're all still friends, but we date whoever we want.

One thing you should know man, if she REALLY wanted to be with you, she'd dump that Tyler guy. I mean, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but women are..well..they aren't up front about things with us guys, and that strategy does more harm than good.

If she's happy now, she doesn't want to be with you. She may have had some attraction for you earlier on, but whatever she had is gone, and she probably wants to move on. Women change their minds like the wind, and after they've moved on, they aren't likely to give past love a chance. It's just the way most of them are. It's not your fault.

So, my advice to you is, try to get your mind off her. It's gonna be hard to get over her, I know how it feels, but you will eventually get over it. Watch some movies, hang out with your friends, do what you do man. And if she ever calls and wants to talk, either don't answer it or tell her you're busy. Trust me, that will take care of it. That's gonna drive her crazy, but she'll get over it. She doesn't seem to care about your feelings, so don't worry about hers. Just say screw it, here's to the future, and don't look back. Best of luck my friend.

 

[GrimWhim]

Re: Girl Advice

I do agree with you Warped, women are very fickle and as you said, often reluctant to give a person who they had feelings for in the past a chance. Sure, movies make it seem as if you could fight and win and live a happy life but we all know that life is nothing like the movies. You'll end up fighting a lost battle and cause yourself a great deal of pain in the process.

Believe me, I would know, I've done it on many occasions. In fact, I've caused myself to grow incredibly sick from trying to win the heart of a gal. I didn't eat much of anything, I couldn't think of anyone but her and I was on the verge of doing something stupid (i.e. suicide).

Love hurts but... there are others out there much more deserving of your emotions.

 

[killerequinox]

Re: Girl Advice

You selfish jerk. Stop thinking about yourself and take consolation in the fact that she's happy. Douchebag. The more you remind her of the lost possibility, the more you push her away. The longer you refuse to move on as she clearly has, the likelier you are to put her off. It's okay to think yourself a fool for not picking up on her feelings when you had the chance, but it's not okay for you to continue to remind her of that. The ship has sailed, say bon voyage and catch the next one.

No need to be so negative. I do take consolation in the fact that she's happy. When she was torn between me and Tyler, I told her to go with her heart, and said that I would be okay with any choice she makes. And I don’t remind her of the lost possibility anymore. I would never intentionally hurt her, so I hide my feelings. I’ve tried to move on, but I can’t. She told me the only reason she was staying with Tyler is because she doesn’t want to hurt him, but she wishes she could have been with me, but Alexis screwed that up for us. She makes me believe that she still has feelings for me, so it’s confusing. For right now I’m her best friend and I tell her that I’m moving on so she can be happy.

 

[killerequinox]

Re: Girl Advice

I'd like to say something about Alexis first if you don't mind. When anyone threatens to kill themselves over losing someone, they never go through with it. Well... I guess it would be ignorant of me to assume no one has done it but nine times out of ten, it's a bluff and if you call their bluff, you'll be better for it. It's an effective tactic and I myself have tried it once or twice.

It doesn't make me feel good but guilt can do a lot to a person and not often is it a good thing. I don't know how you truly feel about Alexis but I understand where you're coming from on the whole love being intoxicating thing. It's not fun being alone and to be honest, it's one of the most painful feelings in the world.

It doesn't help the fact that, that pain is reinforced with constant imagery of others in love and being affectionate with one another. Nevertheless, I suggest you evaluate how you feel about Alexis first. Do you really care about her? Do you honestly love her? Is she worth sticking with? If not, try to bring her down easy because that's not going to help either of you if you keep dragging that out.

As for Amanda, she's a lost cause I'm afraid. This is evident by the fact that she hasn't made any sort of attempt to remove Tyler from the equation (I'm assuming she hasn't but I can't be certain for obvious reasons). I realize you love her but take it from someone who has been in a position eerily similar to yours and just let her be.

You should do your best to get her out of your mind and if absolutely necessary, stop talking to her all together. I realize how hard that is but you need to do it for the both of you. Honestly, I wish I could be of more help to you and give you advice that would help you get with her but I'm afraid I'm not capable of such things.

I just want you to know you're not alone in this, others have been through similar situations and it's just not pleasant.

First off, thanks Grim. I always value your opinion. You were right about Alexis, it was just a bluff, and I broke up with her a long time ago and have been single since. I made it as easy on her as I could, but she still took it badly, as most girls do.

I’ve used that tactic as well, and let me tell you I won’t be doing it again.

Amanda tells me she wants to end it with Tyler sometimes; she just doesn’t want to hurt him since he’s been a good friend for years. I have stopped talking to her before, hoping I could move on, but it didn’t work. She called me up crying and said she missed me, and that was all it took for me to go back to her.

No problem, I appreciate your post. Hell, I can’t even figure this out myself and I’ve been a part of this situation for years. I guess I was just hoping that by some miracle, I could be enlightened in a way that keeps both Amanda and I happy, but I still applaud anyone who takes the time to reply. Thanks Grim!


EDIT: Just realised I double posted... sorry :/

 

[Noctus]

Re: Girl Advice

Yeah. Read this.

 

[droded]

Re: Girl Advice

Yeah. Read this.

You look like Sarah.

 

[Noctus]

Re: Girl Advice

You look like Sarah.

I do, actually. :3

 

[Warpedhero]

Re: Girl Advice

Amanda tells me she wants to end it with Tyler sometimes; she just doesn’t want to hurt him since he’s been a good friend for years. I have stopped talking to her before, hoping I could move on, but it didn’t work. She called me up crying and said she missed me, and that was all it took for me to go back to her.

I'm just gonna give it to you straight man, she's lying to you.
If she wanted to break up with this Tyler guy, she would do it.
Women aren't as caring as she is pretending to be, if they are in a situation and they REALLY want to leave a guy, they're gonna leave.

Let me tell you something man, they've done that to me too.

Remember the girl I wrote about earlier that was cheating on me with two or three different guys?

After I broke up with her and stopped calling her, she left me alone for a few months. Then she called. As soon as I found out who it was I hung up on her and she hasn't bothered me since. She was crying too.

Just do like GrimWhim said, stop talking to her.

If she calls you up crying this time, hang up on her.

She will eventually get the message and you can start getting over her.

Get this in your mind: Screw her.

Just stop associating her with 'love'. Associate her with 'annoyance', 'liability', 'baggage', etc.

Women thrive on attention, and the only reason she keeps calling you is she knows you will give it to her.

She actually got a pretty sweet deal; see, you're her back up guy.

That's right. If she breaks up with Tyler, guess who she's gonna call?

You.

And then she's gonna dump you and go back to him.

It's happened to me. I've always been the rebound guy, until I figured out what they were doing, how they were just using me.

If she calls you up crying and whining about problems with Tyler, tell her that it's not your problem, and that if she has problems, see a shrink.

Once again, good luck. Keep us up to date.

 

[Warpedhero]

Re: Girl Advice

Oh yeah, and listen to alot of this stuff, or similiar stuff. It'll make you feel better, and get your mind right.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9CNg6MwFU-w

 

[Arld]

Re: Girl Advice

When anyone threatens to kill themselves over losing someone, they never go through with it. Well... I guess it would be ignorant of me to assume no one has done it but nine times out of ten, it's a bluff and if you call their bluff, you'll be better for it. It's an effective tactic and I myself have tried it once or twice.

I guess it doesn't matter to argue this with Grim as he's banned by now, but I thought it'd be worth of mention. If one thinks the same as Grim about the quoted part, it's ignorance indeed. Surely it isn't always the truth, but quite a while ago (1 year+), someone I knew killed himself over losing his girlfriend. Death is not always the outcome, but these statements (in this case, that of Alexis) should, at all times, not be underestimated. Before you know, it happened.

 

[cheezMcNASTY]

Re: Girl Advice

do both her and yourself a favor. play it cold. don't even bring it up, just act like your friends and whatnot. it may come off as douchey, but in the long run it'll let her focus on who she's with and if she breaks up with him (without having you in the picture) then you can start thinking about it.

if i was in tylers shoes, i would just break up with her. she seems fickle and untrustworthy. like he's a friend with benefits and your the intimate partner. back your **** off and start lurking.

 

[The Rh Factor]

Re: Girl Advice

I'm just gonna give it to you straight man, she's lying to you.
If she wanted to break up with this Tyler guy, she would do it.
Women aren't as caring as she is pretending to be, if they are in a situation and they REALLY want to leave a guy, they're gonna leave.

This guy's got it right.

As a girl I can tell you, girls go with their hearts 99% of the time. If she really wanted to be with you, she would be. I was in a somewhat similar situation in the past, so I know how much it sucks. I DID eventuallly get over it though, and so will you. You have your whole life ahead of you, go find a girl who knows what she wants and is willing to make a committment to you and you alone.

 

[Angel]

Re: Girl Advice

You selfish jerk. Stop thinking about yourself and take consolation in the fact that she's happy. Douchebag. The more you remind her of the lost possibility, the more you push her away. The longer you refuse to move on as she clearly has, the likelier you are to put her off. It's okay to think yourself a fool for not picking up on her feelings when you had the chance, but it's not okay for you to continue to remind her of that. The ship has sailed, say bon voyage and catch the next one.

This. Maybe in different words , but essentially this.

If she's with someone, leave it be. If she really wanted to be with you, she would be. Simple as. No one likes being reminded of "the one that got away" - thanks to Hollywood, this has become some wonderful romantic ideal that one day in the future you'll be together and reminisce about the "will, they? won't they?" stuff that went on before getting together. It is, of course, utter fluff and nonsense. If she's with someone it's because she's either over you, getting over you or a player of emotions. Whichever it is, steer clear.

Plenty more fish in the sea, blah blah blah.

 

[Sephiroxas]

Re: Girl Advice

Even though Grim is banned..I still can't agree that women are fickle and wouldn't give someone they liked in the past a chance..Because well..I liked White Howler for a while and I gave him a chance, so that completely is the oposite of what he said...

As for the problem you're having....


When I was in highschool I dated this guy. That I thought was the greatest and only love I would ever get. Yes, I'll admit I cut myself and used to be Sad and Depressed, and even threatened to kill myself if he in-fact, left me. Which he did. I can't say she won't kill herself if you breakup, but don't let that anchor you to her. Guilt isn't a good basis for a relationship....And if you still feel that empty hole.. If you do feel the need to break it off with Alexis, make sure you keep an eye on her aterward, make sure other people who know and love her are also keeping an eye on her as well, as she'll probably be in a very senesitive state.

As for you other problem. There's not much I can tell you for that. Me and White howler liked eachother since highschool. We're now 23, and didn't start realizing these feelings until a year a go. We were both in ****ty relationships, talked online and came to this realization. Time heals..Time...That's all I can really say. If you and Amanda were meant to be, it'll happen. Just don't let your feelings be swept under the carpet, it'll hurt more that way in the long run.

Also, you only get one life, with it's few chances it offers. Let her know that....Ask her to just go out with you one night. Maybe as friends to discuss these feelings you both have?

 

[killerequinox]

Re: Girl Advice

Even though Grim is banned..I still can't agree that women are fickle and wouldn't give someone they liked in the past a chance..Because well..I liked White Howler for a while and I gave him a chance, so that completely is the oposite of what he said...

As for the problem you're having....


When I was in highschool I dated this guy. That I thought was the greatest and only love I would ever get. Yes, I'll admit I cut myself and used to be Sad and Depressed, and even threatened to kill myself if he in-fact, left me. Which he did. I can't say she won't kill herself if you breakup, but don't let that anchor you to her. Guilt isn't a good basis for a relationship....And if you still feel that empty hole.. If you do feel the need to break it off with Alexis, make sure you keep an eye on her aterward, make sure other people who know and love her are also keeping an eye on her as well, as she'll probably be in a very senesitive state.

As for you other problem. There's not much I can tell you for that. Me and White howler liked eachother since highschool. We're now 23, and didn't start realizing these feelings until a year a go. We were both in ****ty relationships, talked online and came to this realization. Time heals..Time...That's all I can really say. If you and Amanda were meant to be, it'll happen. Just don't let your feelings be swept under the carpet, it'll hurt more that way in the long run.

Also, you only get one life, with it's few chances it offers. Let her know that....Ask her to just go out with you one night. Maybe as friends to discuss these feelings you both have?

I broke up with Alexis around the same time Tyler and Amanda got together, and she never hurt herself.

The reason I'm beating myself up is because I could have been with this amazing girl (Amanda) if I would have just confessed my feelings for her, but instead I hid them and jumped into a relationship with the first girl that showed any intrest in me, and as a result, lost Amanda forever. I made a stupid mistake, and now I can never get a second chance.

It sounds like the reason you and White got together is because you were both in bad relationships with other people. Amanda would be happy with me or Tyler, but she stays with him because he's never hurt her and she doesn't want to hurt him either. My point is, I have no one, and she has someone that's good to her. I just wish that someone was me.