DO NOT click the first or second spoilers unless you have either finished the game, or want the ending ruined for you.
The much feared, widely revered, evil sorceress known to all as "Dumpling" had completed her lifes quest. Disappointed with how her
nemesis merely grabbed his arthritis-ridden bones and fell to his death (the bullet wound being conclusively non-fatal)
, she pressed the "start" button and scrolled down to "logbook" to check her stats. pure, evil, that was good....but then she noticed something that simply shocked her to no end. She was a 60 year old virgin!(Steve Carelle would be jealous). Scrolling over to the achievements section she noticed one called "The Swinger - Take part in an orgy, responsibly - 25G". "Well that should be easy!" she thought to herself. Checking the pockets in her "hot pants" and corset she noticed the 300+ condoms she had dug up
when her dog was still alive
. She strolled over to the local bar..swooning a group of men. She picked out 2 pauper followers figuring they would be the easiest to take advantage of and remembered she was homeless. she fast traveled to oakfield remembering that there was a
demon door that granted whoever solved it's riddle with a house
...more importantly do Dumpling...a bed. She proposed to one of her followers and
the door swung open
. Leading the 2 men upstairs she began to attempt to seduce them since she had not unlocked the "come back to my place" expression and thus, it was completely beyond her. Her plans completely fell apart immediately when the man who she fake-proposed to outside cried that she was cheating and ran downstairs and outside sobbing like a little girl. Unfortunately for all of them, this region of Albion could only be accessed by heroes, or those following heroes. The other follower didn't seem to mind that he was being seduced by an engaged girl but he couldn't get a hint. He replied to her expressions with bashful remarks and whenever she attempted to get into bed, she was prompted with how long she would like to sleep and not if she would like to engage in protected or unprotected sex. Because the man she was engaged to could not leave the area, her irritation was exacerbated when every so often he would run back up the stairs, scream "YOU CHEATED ON ME!!!!" then run back outside. After a while she was tired of trying to get laid, she charged up a fireball to level 5. As she blasted the man into oblivion her fiancé just so happened to run up the stairs. Since he was clearly frightened out of his mind, she decided to have a little fun. She chased him outside and over fences where her delightful laughter was met with his screams of "LEAVE ME ALONE!". After she started to become bored she realized that her little game needed an end. She ran over to the
windmill
and found an enormous
legendary purple
hammer and continued to chase him around the lawn attempting to smash him to bits. This proved to be very difficult because she had always relied on magic and had never held more than a cutlass or a longsword. After tireless work, Dumpling successfully cornered the man and bashed his face in. She giggled as she walked away and said "Well, that was fun. I suppose i'll just have to try again later."
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