Devil Jho Stories-The Torment and Pleasure
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Cain
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Re: Devil Jho Stories-The Torment and Pleasure
Somebody can't be too supernatural, you mean too supersticious. And 400 lb is ****ing ridiculous. Heavyweight boxers are only in the low 200's. I doubt some teenage kid was twice that. Also for me the ending didn't make sense. How does gary's mum just happen to know that Charlie might be the suspect. That would mean she would know about what gary does. And where **** are the police? teenage boy is murdered horrifically, but no police?
overall this is a good basis for a thriller set in high school. The elements of sadism and pain overwhelm the frankly quite fresh plot. Keep those to a level where Gary seems creepy and peverted, a good antagonist against charlie's personality. You just poured those in so it sounds like a guro hentai fan fic. This supernatural element is more something you want to have a minor theme at the beginning and then have it emerge slowly or have it appear gradually. It felt so sudden and just confused me.
Another thing is that the story needs to be spread out a bit more. It was like this for me.
Boy goes to school-discovers evil rapist group- Tries to uncover it and then dissappears- Old man replaces him and kills villain with hooks.
Too short. And scary in books is incredibly hard to do.
Set apart these are all good ideas for thriller and horror(except the hook scene). Rape is actually quite common in crime stories. Child Rape is more a taboo and I congratulate you for deciding to go into that area. However the ryan kid is very unrealistic. Hes what 8 years old and he likes it? Sex isn't just pleasure, its the maturity to understand it. A kid would be freaked out by it and feel violated.
This seems like you have thrown in the most disgusting things you can think of. I made this mistake myself while writing a vietnam story for a marines first kill. Think of what is truly scary and write that.
These are the problems I see in this story and its my opinion so if everybody else likes it, then its seems I'm wrong and you can just ignore me and write more stories like you already have. Good luck with your other proects.
Somebody can't be too supernatural, you mean too supersticious. And 400 lb is ****ing ridiculous. Heavyweight boxers are only in the low 200's. I doubt some teenage kid was twice that. Also for me the ending didn't make sense. How does gary's mum just happen to know that Charlie might be the suspect. That would mean she would know about what gary does. And where **** are the police? teenage boy is murdered horrifically, but no police?
overall this is a good basis for a thriller set in high school. The elements of sadism and pain overwhelm the frankly quite fresh plot. Keep those to a level where Gary seems creepy and peverted, a good antagonist against charlie's personality. You just poured those in so it sounds like a guro hentai fan fic. This supernatural element is more something you want to have a minor theme at the beginning and then have it emerge slowly or have it appear gradually. It felt so sudden and just confused me.
Another thing is that the story needs to be spread out a bit more. It was like this for me.
Boy goes to school-discovers evil rapist group- Tries to uncover it and then dissappears- Old man replaces him and kills villain with hooks.
Too short. And scary in books is incredibly hard to do.
Carrie(by Stephen king) made me more scared of myself to be honest. At the prom part it made me hope that carrie would make friends and break out of the imaginary curse made up by her mother. But then pigs blood is dropped on her and everbody laughed at her, showing they hadn't really changed. Its then that you understand why carrie is angry and killing them, and you feel that they deserve it.
Set apart these are all good ideas for thriller and horror(except the hook scene). Rape is actually quite common in crime stories. Child Rape is more a taboo and I congratulate you for deciding to go into that area. However the ryan kid is very unrealistic. Hes what 8 years old and he likes it? Sex isn't just pleasure, its the maturity to understand it. A kid would be freaked out by it and feel violated.
This seems like you have thrown in the most disgusting things you can think of. I made this mistake myself while writing a vietnam story for a marines first kill. Think of what is truly scary and write that.
These are the problems I see in this story and its my opinion so if everybody else likes it, then its seems I'm wrong and you can just ignore me and write more stories like you already have. Good luck with your other proects.
Arc Caster
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Re: Devil Jho Stories-The Torment and Pleasure
Ummm.... Characters were pretty unrealistic. I mean, Charlie's suddenly crazy because he found out some teens are raping kids? His mum's a retard. And there wasn't much devolpment of the story, Just a lot of short twists that had come one after another. I agree with White Knight, It's too short for trying to accomplish the shock you're going after. Nice story though, Just needs to be fleshed out. (Sorry, Had to use that term.)
Ummm.... Characters were pretty unrealistic. I mean, Charlie's suddenly crazy because he found out some teens are raping kids? His mum's a retard. And there wasn't much devolpment of the story, Just a lot of short twists that had come one after another. I agree with White Knight, It's too short for trying to accomplish the shock you're going after. Nice story though, Just needs to be fleshed out. (Sorry, Had to use that term.)
Devil Jho
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Re: Devil Jho Stories-The Torment and Pleasure
They didnt rape ryan, i guess i should have explained more...the "pleasure" means the pain that the group did to the boy, and he liked it, only with pain does true pleasure fall into place.
The 400 pounds were probally overboard lol, sorry, it is hard making a story be actually, SCARY to a point of giving you nightmares, or just scaring you at all, the whole school was a bit weird, the kids were more like projects to charlie, charlie wasnt a real kid, he was there to punish gary for what he did to the kids, charlie was the old chinese man in the bus and the homeless man, the chinese man that comes to the door at the end was the same one that gave the box to gary, but ill keep all your opinions in mind and thank you for being honest!
So in conclusion though, charlie was more like a....spirit just there to give what gary really wanted, which was the pleasure/pain that he put on others.
They didnt rape ryan, i guess i should have explained more...the "pleasure" means the pain that the group did to the boy, and he liked it, only with pain does true pleasure fall into place.
The 400 pounds were probally overboard lol, sorry, it is hard making a story be actually, SCARY to a point of giving you nightmares, or just scaring you at all, the whole school was a bit weird, the kids were more like projects to charlie, charlie wasnt a real kid, he was there to punish gary for what he did to the kids, charlie was the old chinese man in the bus and the homeless man, the chinese man that comes to the door at the end was the same one that gave the box to gary, but ill keep all your opinions in mind and thank you for being honest!
So in conclusion though, charlie was more like a....spirit just there to give what gary really wanted, which was the pleasure/pain that he put on others.
Arc Caster
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Re: Devil Jho Stories-The Torment and Pleasure
Sounds like they were raping to me.
Totally reminds me of Hell Raisers, With the box.
Devil Jho;411940 said:
Sounds like they were raping to me.
Totally reminds me of Hell Raisers, With the box.
Devil Jho
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Re: Devil Jho Stories-The Torment and Pleasure
BINGO, i got inspired by hellraiser...didnt want to copy it completely, but kind of take a sense from it, the raping to the girls was real, but to ryan it wasnt, the pictures of the little girls were what gary did to the girls, to ryan he just tortured him...couldnt find a reason why, lol
Arc Caster;412600 said:
BINGO, i got inspired by hellraiser...didnt want to copy it completely, but kind of take a sense from it, the raping to the girls was real, but to ryan it wasnt, the pictures of the little girls were what gary did to the girls, to ryan he just tortured him...couldnt find a reason why, lol