Guys... I've been a member here since I was 17. Even when I hardly ever post about anything Fable-related, you're still my go-to for when I have something that, for whatever reason, I can't talk about with people I actually know.
You're like a diary, only mother****ing badass.
I just broke up with my girlfriend. I've been dating her for three years. Our first date was 23 December 2011. My sister's best friend.
For nine tenths of the relationship it's been long distance. I was living/going to school in the DC area, she was going to school near Philly and only home on the summer and winter breaks. Three hour drive to come visit.
I enlisted in the Coast Guard February 2014. Two months of boot camp, no contact but letters. Her letters helped me get through the experience more than anything else. Then I went to Maine (14 hour drive away) for my first unit. She ended up managing to visit like once a month for about eight months.
Then I went to Virginia for further training. Just finished my first month there. Before I headed down there I spent like two weeks at home. I visited home two weekends out of four in February.
We (me and my classmates) got our picks for our next unit about two weeks ago, and I ended up picking a unit in Alaska. A 72-hour drive or damn near a thousand dollar plane ticket away. I didn't want to get married. For a lot of reasons, it was a bad idea for her to come with me unmarried.
This Monday she kind of gave me an ultimatum. "Decide if you want to stay with me by Friday." We just spent like two and a half hours talking... I knew going into it that we SHOULD break up, but I didn't want to.
Basically... I am an ambitious little snot. I want a career in the Coast Guard. I have my little road map for where I should go. She would follow me if I asked, but she has some debts to pay off and just started a new job...
She initially wanted to be a zookeeper, went to school for wildlife conservation and management, but now she says that she doesn't care... she can find a job with animals anywhere. She just wants a life with me, wants to get away from home and her obligations and the life she has set before her and experience new things with me.
But all I'm sitting here thinking is that in this scenario I am ALL she has. She doesn't have any ambition or goal outside of being with me. It's all secondary. It feels like she is giving up any chance of accomplishment because she loves me... And I don't know if I love her with the same... totality. If I did, I would have already proposed, we'd be married, everything would be hunky dory.
But I've seen what a military career does to families. I've seen what a family does to a military career. I've already gone through one choice when I knew the unit I wanted to go to, but didn't want to pick it because it would hurt her.
I picked it anyway. Just by doing that I broke her heart. I could have fixed it, just said "hey, I love you, come be with me..." Or "hey, I love you, I'm going to try to get out of Alaska as soon as possible (true) and we can live together then." But I didn't.
The conversation ended when she basically said "hey, I want you, I think you're worth following around the Coast Guard" and I went "hey, I find it terrifying that that's what you want and you have no backup plan and that much pressure ****ing terrifies me and I want you to want more than to be with me..."
I'm a scumbag because I thought this was how this would turn out... I'm pretty sure this is how I thought it SHOULD turn out... and I still made HER be the one to break up with me.
She said "it's over." I didn't man the **** up and say "hey, I'm sorry I'm not what you want me to be, but I can't do this, we need to break up." I made her ****ing do it.
Because I am a mother****ing scumbag.
It's 1:30 and she's driving home from my parent's house after being forced to dump my ass.
And I am terrified that she is going to slide on some ice and get hurt or something. Some ****ing sirens are going off outside and I am conjuring all these horrible images.
I'm just... a terrible person.
Sorry guys, but you're the only ones I feel comfortable venting to right now. Sorry to be a downer this morning... I know this is way more depressing than finding out Gikoku and discoqueen are getting married, or Zarkes got a raise.
And yes, I realize that I am 25 years old (rounding up by five months, but **** it) and acting like I am about 17... what can I say, this is the only relationship I've every ****ing had. She's damn near my only close friend.
I feel... like I made the right choice but executed that choice in the worst possible way and would hurt me and her as much as possible.
I say again: I am a scumbag.
And PS, To make it worse, the whole time we were having this conversation she's emoting all over the place and I'm sitting here looking a tad bit depressed. And she's sobbing her eyes out and I'm thinking "I feel bad that I'm hurting you, but godammit, nobody's ****ing dead. This is not a crying matter. Would you stop it?" And she's getting more hurt because I'm just stating things like facts and acting too calm and her heart is breaking...
And now I start worrying whether I'm a sociopath or just an asshole. (Okay, not really, but you get what I mean.)
You're like a diary, only mother****ing badass.
I just broke up with my girlfriend. I've been dating her for three years. Our first date was 23 December 2011. My sister's best friend.
For nine tenths of the relationship it's been long distance. I was living/going to school in the DC area, she was going to school near Philly and only home on the summer and winter breaks. Three hour drive to come visit.
I enlisted in the Coast Guard February 2014. Two months of boot camp, no contact but letters. Her letters helped me get through the experience more than anything else. Then I went to Maine (14 hour drive away) for my first unit. She ended up managing to visit like once a month for about eight months.
Then I went to Virginia for further training. Just finished my first month there. Before I headed down there I spent like two weeks at home. I visited home two weekends out of four in February.
We (me and my classmates) got our picks for our next unit about two weeks ago, and I ended up picking a unit in Alaska. A 72-hour drive or damn near a thousand dollar plane ticket away. I didn't want to get married. For a lot of reasons, it was a bad idea for her to come with me unmarried.
This Monday she kind of gave me an ultimatum. "Decide if you want to stay with me by Friday." We just spent like two and a half hours talking... I knew going into it that we SHOULD break up, but I didn't want to.
Basically... I am an ambitious little snot. I want a career in the Coast Guard. I have my little road map for where I should go. She would follow me if I asked, but she has some debts to pay off and just started a new job...
She initially wanted to be a zookeeper, went to school for wildlife conservation and management, but now she says that she doesn't care... she can find a job with animals anywhere. She just wants a life with me, wants to get away from home and her obligations and the life she has set before her and experience new things with me.
But all I'm sitting here thinking is that in this scenario I am ALL she has. She doesn't have any ambition or goal outside of being with me. It's all secondary. It feels like she is giving up any chance of accomplishment because she loves me... And I don't know if I love her with the same... totality. If I did, I would have already proposed, we'd be married, everything would be hunky dory.
But I've seen what a military career does to families. I've seen what a family does to a military career. I've already gone through one choice when I knew the unit I wanted to go to, but didn't want to pick it because it would hurt her.
I picked it anyway. Just by doing that I broke her heart. I could have fixed it, just said "hey, I love you, come be with me..." Or "hey, I love you, I'm going to try to get out of Alaska as soon as possible (true) and we can live together then." But I didn't.
The conversation ended when she basically said "hey, I want you, I think you're worth following around the Coast Guard" and I went "hey, I find it terrifying that that's what you want and you have no backup plan and that much pressure ****ing terrifies me and I want you to want more than to be with me..."
I'm a scumbag because I thought this was how this would turn out... I'm pretty sure this is how I thought it SHOULD turn out... and I still made HER be the one to break up with me.
She said "it's over." I didn't man the **** up and say "hey, I'm sorry I'm not what you want me to be, but I can't do this, we need to break up." I made her ****ing do it.
Because I am a mother****ing scumbag.
It's 1:30 and she's driving home from my parent's house after being forced to dump my ass.
And I am terrified that she is going to slide on some ice and get hurt or something. Some ****ing sirens are going off outside and I am conjuring all these horrible images.
I'm just... a terrible person.
Sorry guys, but you're the only ones I feel comfortable venting to right now. Sorry to be a downer this morning... I know this is way more depressing than finding out Gikoku and discoqueen are getting married, or Zarkes got a raise.
And yes, I realize that I am 25 years old (rounding up by five months, but **** it) and acting like I am about 17... what can I say, this is the only relationship I've every ****ing had. She's damn near my only close friend.
I feel... like I made the right choice but executed that choice in the worst possible way and would hurt me and her as much as possible.
I say again: I am a scumbag.
And PS, To make it worse, the whole time we were having this conversation she's emoting all over the place and I'm sitting here looking a tad bit depressed. And she's sobbing her eyes out and I'm thinking "I feel bad that I'm hurting you, but godammit, nobody's ****ing dead. This is not a crying matter. Would you stop it?" And she's getting more hurt because I'm just stating things like facts and acting too calm and her heart is breaking...
And now I start worrying whether I'm a sociopath or just an asshole. (Okay, not really, but you get what I mean.)