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The Return of Rose

Rad

Old Name: Zencidal
Premium
Jan 2, 2009
927
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behind you.
The Return of Rose

I stand by the docks looking at the spire, my dog returned and a strange letter I find. Rose is okay and sparrow is overjoyed to know she is alive. Lucien is dead but I need to find my sister now. Sparrow remembers that Reaver still has a deal with the shadowcourt and maybe he might help him.

Sparrow heads out to the wraithmarsh. He see's the shadowcourt and goes inside. He easily destroys the shadow's which were no threat to him.
All of a suden sparrow hear's a familiar voice. It was reaver he runs in and finds Reaver on the ground unconcious. Reaver is still breathing, Sparrow is Realived. Sparrow walks out of the shadowcourt.

What he saw was disturbing. Dead bodies of villagers. Bandits everywhere killing everyone and Oakvale on fire. He see's a boy. The boy takes the hand of a Someone else. Sparrow can tell the person is a willuser by the markings on his face, then they teleport away. All of a sudden everything was back to normal. Oakvale was back to a forgotten village which was nothing more then a marsh and nothing else.

Sparrow goes to the chamber of fate, observing the each paiting carefuly. Everything starts shaking and part of a boulder hits sparrow on the head and knocks him out. Sparrow wakes up and see's the chamber of fate undamaged and new like when it was before. He see's a pathway and so he follows it.

Sparrow was amazed, it was the guild he Theresa mentioned about, Apprentices talking and laughing but nobody notices him. Sparrow runs out to the field past all the apprentice's training meele and range. He runs into the guild forest as if something was pulling him in. There he saw what he couldn't believe. His sister... She ran up to sparrow and said " I knew you would come for me little sparrow, I just knew it" She was alout older now.

Then he saw someone siting on the rock. His face was covered by the hood of the apprentice uniform. The Avo Tear on his back. It was one of the Heroes of Albion......

To be continued?
 
Re: The Return of Rose

wow bravo best story ever i would had loved for that to happen
 
Re: The Return of Rose

Zencidal;255492 said:
I stand by the docks looking at the spire, my dog returned and a strange letter I find. Rose is okay and sparrow is overjoyed to know she is alive. Lucien is dead but I need to find my sister now. Sparrow remembers that Reaver still has a deal with the shadowcourt and maybe he might help him.

Sparrow heads out to the wraithmarsh. He see's the shadowcourt and goes inside. He easily destroys the shadow's which were no threat to him.
All of a suden sparrow hear's a familiar voice. It was reaver he runs in and finds Reaver on the ground unconcious. Reaver is still breathing, Sparrow is Realived. Sparrow walks out of the shadowcourt.

What he saw was disturbing. Dead bodies of villagers. Bandits everywhere killing everyone and Oakvale on fire. He see's a boy. The boy takes the hand of a Someone else. Sparrow can tell the person is a willuser by the markings on his face, then they teleport away. All of a sudden everything was back to normal. Oakvale was back to a forgotten village which was nothing more then a marsh and nothing else.

Sparrow goes to the chamber of fate, observing the each paiting carefuly. Everything starts shaking and part of a boulder hits sparrow on the head and knocks him out. Sparrow wakes up and see's the chamber of fate undamaged and new like when it was before. He see's a pathway and so he follows it.

Sparrow was amazed, it was the guild he Theresa mentioned about, Apprentices talking and laughing but nobody notices him. Sparrow runs out to the field past all the apprentice's training meele and range. He runs into the guild forest as if something was pulling him in. There he saw what he couldn't believe. His sister... She ran up to sparrow and said " I knew you would come for me little sparrow, I just knew it" She was alout older now.

Then he saw someone siting on the rock. His face was covered by the hood of the apprentice uniform. The Avo Tear on his back. It was one of the Heroes of Albion......

To be continued?


+rep+rep+rep
 
Re: The Return of Rose

Woah thanks, I never expected such great comments. I just tried not to make it epicly long with endless dialuge but just get to the point with a bit of details :)
 
Re: The Return of Rose

not bad keep it going, could be interesting to follow
 
Re: The Return of Rose

I think he did kinda suddenly go from one place to another. Also in the beginning you said ''I'' and then ''he''
 
Re: The Return of Rose

yea awsome story since its a fourm room i wouldnt worry to much about jumping somewhere else really fast but stick to 1 person writting set it yo a third person tellin teh story or to you being sparrow
 
Re: The Return of Rose

It really doesn't flow that well. It jumps between the first and third person perspective which is irritating. The subject matter is vaguely interesting but it seems really scattered. Perhaps focus on a much more centralized idea rather than using such a generalized platform.
All in all, the writing is well enough. However, I do believe that more attention to character development and atmospheric details would greatly improve the story's "believability" factor as well as its ability to capture interest.
 
Re: The Return of Rose

LobotomizedLOVE;259544 said:
It really doesn't flow that well. It jumps between the first and third person perspective which is irritating. The subject matter is vaguely interesting but it seems really scattered. Perhaps focus on a much more centralized idea rather than using such a generalized platform.
All in all, the writing is well enough. However, I do believe that more attention to character development and atmospheric details would greatly improve the story's "believability" factor as well as its ability to capture interest.


This.