What scares you most?

[DieselFuelOnly]

I was just asked this, and to be honest, it made me realize how different the idea of "scary" can be from person to person. This isn't an "oh I'm scared of spiders" question. It's a serious one that really made me realize how deep things can go. But then that's probably me just over analyzing s***. To understand my answer you need to know the following about me:

I'm open about this stuff. And in an odd way, being open about it helps me deal with it. Plus some of it can be pretty funny(check out OCD) Anyway, here is a list of my officially diagnosed mental conditions, and what the fancy words mean to me.

ADHD - Can't sit still, can't concentrate, can't think straight.

Mild-Unique Paranoid Schizophrenic - Extremely hostile/violent, but only when confronted negatively. Moderately antisocial, I'm able to tolerate a small/manageable social life. Apart from that I embrace the ability to be social on forums like this because it's comfortable, stress free, and it allows me to be myself. I loop songs in my head continuously from the time I wake up until I fall asleep at night. Difficulty showing emotions, which became obvious after the death of an immediate family member that I was extremely close to a couple years back, I knew what happened, but I didn't feel anything. Which sucked because I loved that person more than anything. On a lighter note, though, I take pride in the fact that love and humor is still intact for me. Humor helps me get though soooooo much.

OCD - Getting out of bed at 2 am to make sure the truck door I compulsively slammed exactly 8 times is... shut. Then there's the number 2. If I don't do something twice, I feel like I haven't done it. My fiancee likes to take advantage of that :wub:

Now that you guys understand all that about me (and I hope I didn't freak anybody out), you'll understand my answer to the original question I was asked: "What scares you most?"

What scares me most is that, somehow, a couple meds in the morning, and one in the evening can take everything I just told you, and make it almost non-existent. The simplicity is almost terrifying to me for some reason.

I'm interested to hear what you guys might have to say on the subject, it turned into a real thinker for me.

 

[Quistrix]

The thing that scares me the most is the thought of never being good enough. The people around me have and have had such high expectations of me in the past. I'm constantly scared of letting people down and not living up to their expectations. That is also because I'm a perfectionist to the very end. Say, I tidy a room. I always find more to be done, it never feels done. And so similarly in my life I never feel like I've done enough for me or for others, not only is it the thought of this that scares me, but the fact that I can't seem to let it go, that I push myself so far and that scares me. That I might push myself too far one day.


Oh and I'm scared of ninjas. Seriously.

 

[Gikoku]

Loneliness, seriously. A painful, boring, and torturous thing that can at times be hard to remedy. I don't mind being alone once in awhile (like having some time to myself), but for long periods and it will begin to get to me, I'm not a loner. Losing friends over time be it from them moving away or simply not keeping in touch, family members passing away, and there not being a thick number of folks who mesh well with my personality IRL. The thought of being the very last person on the planet and not a single soul is left to communicate with.. that actually scares me.

 

[Zjuggernaut]

Spiders. Too many eyes and legs. Ugly little s**ts.

 

[White_Howler]

Loneliness, seriously. A painful, boring, and torturous thing that can at times be hard to remedy. I don't mind being alone once in awhile (like having some time to myself), but for long periods and it will begin to get to me, I'm not a loner. Losing friends over time be it from them moving away or simply not keeping in touch, family members passing away, and there not being a thick number of folks who mesh well with my personality IRL. The thought of being the very last person on the planet and not a single soul is left to communicate with.. that actually scares me.

Can't say much more than this. I never want to be alone, perpetually. I'm a pack creature to begin with and I thrive around my close friends and family and within a community of sorts. Not having those people around me would make life so bland and uninteresting.

Also, being a paraplegic. I watched my Uncle be like that my whole life and I'd rather die than have that happen to me. It's terrifying, the thought of only being a head with a useless body attached.

 

[Sephiroxas]

Death.......And no one can convince me other wise. I know the whole "there's no point in worrying, cause after you die, you won't be thinking about it." But that decline to death, I'll feel it, I'll know..and I'll be afraid..

 

[DieselFuelOnly]

Spiders. Too many eyes and legs. Ugly little s**ts.

It's funny, I went off about "no spider fears" in the opening post but, truth be told, I've always been scared of them. When we first moved into the house we're living in now, my bed was right up next to a curtain by a broken window. Not smashed out mind you, the wood warped and got all screwed up and it uh... how to explain this... there was... Essentially, it was as if the window was up an inch at all times. I s*** you not, I woke up one morning with a huge wood spider right by my face on the pillow. Here's how that situation went...

*opens eyes*
... ... nah...
*gains focus*
"MUM MUM MUM HOLY F***"
mum: I hear that word again and I'm gonn-
"IT DOESN'T F***ING MATTER KILL IT"

note: I'm still laying on the bed next to it, and as god let's me sit here I swear to each and every one of you that thing was at least 3-3 1/2 inches (tip of leg to tip of leg)... That's what sucks about locking up out of fear. I'll just say, I now know what it's like to stare death in the face :'(

If that wasn't enough to motivate me to get up off the bed, my mother marching towards me with a can of bug spray and one of my work boots sure as hell was.

We bug bombed the entire house over a weekend and I've slept downstairs ever since.

He's still up there. Pattering back and forth. Thinking. Waiting. Living off the remains of the lesser bugs that were affected by the bomb. I know he's here, and he knows I'm here. But we both know who's gonna come out on top... You can only live off dead ladybugs for so long!

 

[Gikoku]

I never want to be alone

 

[DieselFuelOnly]

And so similarly in my life I never feel like I've done enough for me or for others, not only is it the thought of this that scares me, but the fact that I can't seem to let it go, that I push myself so far and that scares me. That I might push myself too far one day.

Sorry if the word used below offends anybody.

I can relate to that. As long as I can remember, I've had to deal with being called a retard/idiot/stupid for the problems I have, and even though a part of you tells you that stuff isn't true, it still works it's way in. Not that you've had to deal with those things specifically, but many different things can cause feelings of not ever being good enough. In my case, it's the constant insults. The sad thing is, I've always had this inner drive to blow everybody around me out of the water by utilizing what I do have. I'm a damn good mechanic and I'm very good on the technical side of computers. Plus I LOVE to work. Nothing like 8-5's through the week followed by a 15 hour saturday. That's who I am, I love it. But like you, I'm afraid that one day I'll let it go too far.

 

[cheezMcNASTY]

Aging is the scariest thing for me right now. Lately it's started up because my hairline has gone back an inch or so on the sides and I may be needing glasses soon. Scary thought, because I've always had perfect vision and assumed I'd take after the side of the family that just goes gray early in life. I've started getting those all-too-common dreams of suddenly being bald and teeth falling out. The thought that I won't be this good looking forever is scary, but then I realize it's impossible for me to not be good-looking and I get over it. We sexy folks just have to come to terms with our eternal youth and not fret over it.

In all seriousness I'm not comfortable going into the gritty details of all the stuff that's wrong with me. I'll say I have ADHD. I've dealt with teachers and other students thinking I'm stupid and ignoring me because of it. I was convinced of it myself growing up. It's taken a long time but I came to the realization that they were all just a bunch of stupid, presumptuous f***s. The stuff I've been able to do in school since those days... I wish I could bring some of my work to some of my more awful teachers. I'd make them serve their teaching certificates on a silver platter and smothered with barbecue sauce so I could eat the little bastard up. No teacher has any right to presume how smart a student is or to treat a less capable one differently.

The rest of my issues of that nature are just too personal to discuss online. It's not like it interferes with my everyday life or anything, but it's the kind of stuff that I haven't even told my psychiatrist because I'm so uncomfortable talking about it. I guess you could call that a fear in of its self. After all, one of you may be able to use it to discover my secret identity one of these days.

 

[SelfAppointedGunslinger]

Going blind, I use my eyes for everything and I wouldn't want to live without them. As a result I'm quite over protective and paranoid about them. If I'm lay in bed at night and feel the slightest sting in my eye then I Immediately jump to the conclusion that I have some kind of harmful chemical in my eyes, and I have to get out of bed and rinse them out otherwise I won't sleep all night through fear that they are damaged.
Doesn't help that I have blepharitis and constantly have to pick grit and flakes from my eyelids, it doesn't go so well with my fear of touching the areas near my eyes out of fear that I may poke myself in the eye and do some damage, nasty business.

Also the realization that all my insecurities are well founded and not just me overreacting. Ridicule, rejection and humiliation all terrify me too.

As for death, no it doesn't scare me, not anymore. I've suffered a good deal in my life, a lot of it emotional and psychological and some physical, sometimes to the point where I'd rather be dead > No more living= no more pain, no more fear, no more being judged, just rest, eternal painless sleep. That's how I see death (If I was to die though, I'd want it to be quick and as painless as possible, pain and suffering scares me a lot more than death.)

If there's one thing that unsettles me about death, then it's the thought of my body decomposing and being eaten my maggots, it's for this reason I've decided I want to be cremated. Quick and clean.

Paranoia about eyes and insecurities aside, I have many fears, I'm rank with them. Way too many fears to list here.

 

[HeroOfCrapsalot]

Midgets.

 

[DieselFuelOnly]

1. It's taken a long time but I came to the realization that they were all just a bunch of stupid, presumptuous f***s.

I sometimes question myself on whether or not it was right to come to the conclusion that they had the problem. I've been told I should pity those who treated me like s***. But seeing that somebody else out there has come to the same conclusion I have, truly helps a lot. I have not, and will not give them any such pity. I've always been brutal about that, maybe more than I should have been at times. But it's true, nobody holds the right to treat the less capable differently.

2. ...it's the kind of stuff that I haven't even told my psychiatrist because I'm so uncomfortable talking about it. I guess you could call that a fear in of its self.

I never claim to know what anybody else is going through/has gone through. But I can say that I understand what it's like to be so uncomfortable with certain things, I haven't told my psychiatrist about them. To me, that's one of the hardest things to handle.

I just want to say real quick that I wasn't trying to get anybody to dig up things that will upset them.

I share my problems so openly because I've been in situations where somebody will get to know me, start to like me, then they hear the word "schizophrenic" and I never hear from them again. I also have a extreme fear of rejection, so I guess I get all of my bulls*** out in the open so people can judge me if they're going to judge me, or be human enough to look past my issues and see the normal person inside that just wants to be treated the same as everybody else. The issues I have make me who I am, I shouldn't feel like I have to hide my issues to be normal in the world's eyes. Yes, I take medication, and one could argue that I take them in an attempt to hide the issues from people. But the issues are still very much a part of me whether I'm on the medication or not. I take medication to protect myself from my own issues. That's what it comes down to with me. I don't care what people think of me, I really don't. And I've said that to countless people over the years. Love me or hate me. It makes no difference to me. They are the ones who will have to live with themselves knowing they rejected somebody over something they themselves didn't ask for.

 

[Quistrix]

I just want to say real quick that I wasn't trying to get anybody to dig up things that will upset them.

I doubt you did as much. We're all big boys/girls here and I doubt anyone would become upset about or post anything that they didn't want people to know. Besides, the brain protects us from the memories that harm us the most.

I don't care what people think of me, I really don't. And I've said that to countless people over the years. Love me or hate me. It makes no difference to me. They are the ones who will have to live with themselves knowing they rejected somebody over something they themselves didn't ask for.

Smart man.

 

[DieselFuelOnly]

Besides, the brain protects us from the memories that harm us the most.

Ain't that the truth.

 

[cheezMcNASTY]

I sometimes question myself on whether or not it was right to come to the conclusion that they had the problem. I've been told I should pity those who treated me like s***. But seeing that somebody else out there has come to the same conclusion I have, truly helps a lot. I have not, and will not give them any such pity. I've always been brutal about that, maybe more than I should have been at times. But it's true, nobody holds the right to treat the less capable differently.

Relying on facts really helps a lot. This is going to sound bad, but for me it was my mom's "you were such a smart, special boy" stories. Normally I'd tune them out because I honestly don't really care about being gushed over, but one day I listened and found out some interesting facts about when I was a little kid. Pretty shocking stuff that shook my opinion on how smart I was when I was younger. I'm not citing anything to gloat; these just shocked me because I was convinced I was dumb.

A) At the age of 3 I was contemplating whether people are born evil or if they grew up and did evil things. I had no idea it was one of those philosophical questions of the ages, but I answered it by my own logic. I didn't want to do bad things, none of the other 3 year olds would be so terrible, so it must be something that people can choose to do later in life.

B) The requirement to get into preschool was to know around 20 words. I knew about 1,500.

Even without those facts to support your conclusion, all you need to do is ask yourself if you have what it takes to succeed compared to your peers. You work as an auto mechanic - that's not grunt work. You need to have some serious knowledge about a seriously ****ing complicated machine. To me that alone says you've come to the right conclusion.

I doubt you did as much. We're all big boys/girls here and I doubt anyone would become upset about or post anything that they didn't want people to know. Besides, the brain protects us from the memories that harm us the most.

Statutory rape *cough* hmm?

 

[Zarkes]

I was born with no lifeline on my left palm. So I have no destiny as it wer. My favorite number is 5 not exactly straight not exactly round. Favorite color is purple, not exactly red not exactly blue. I'm most scared that their is no place for me in the world, that I'm a free radical, and outlier.I'm scared everything that makes me special is meaningless.

I'm most scared that I will never belong. This is the product of overthinking. My other fear is my impending death.

 

[DieselFuelOnly]

Even without those facts to support your conclusion, all you need to do is ask yourself if you have what it takes to succeed compared to your peers. You work as an auto mechanic - that's not grunt work. You need to have some serious knowledge about a seriously f****** complicated machine. To me that alone says you've come to the right conclusion.

Thanks, cheez. I really appreciate that. I think I've also come to the right place, all of you guys have been very awesome

 

[Gikoku]

I was born with no lifeline on my left palm. So I have no destiny as it wer. My favorite number is 5 not exactly straight not exactly round. Favorite color is purple, not exactly red not exactly blue. I'm most scared that their is no place for me in the world, that I'm a free radical, and outlier.I'm scared everything that makes me special is meaningless.

I'm most scared that I will never belong. This is the product of overthinking. My other fear is my impending death.

This touched me in places.

 

[Quistrix]

This touched me in places.

Nice... Nice...