Night of The Living Hollow Men
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Cobalt Gamer
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Re: Night of The Living Hollow Men
Feldor rolled to the side narrowly avoiding the sword, Ruuku pulled out his rifle and placed it infront of feldors face,"wait wait, It's me!" screamed Ruuku was about to fire, he pulled away for a second an leaned his rifle on his shoulder, "Who are you, how can you talk?" Ruuku began to question Feldor, " I Don't know how i can talk or how im alive, but its me the travleller who took you in!" Ruuku looked stared at him for a second then placed the gun back on his forehead. "It doesnt matter who you are your still a hollow peice of ****!" Ruuku Fired, Feldors skull shattered into a thousand peices and his body did the same, the peices fell to the ground and dissapeared. Ruuku picked up his sword and placed it into his sheath. "This is it. Now im gonna take back bowerstone!" He walked up the road and took off his long coat blowing in the brease, his sword on his belt and his rifle strapped to his back, he ripped off his mask and cast it aside. He was now stood at the gate, he pulled out his rifle and held it with his right hand, he pulled out his sword and held that with his left, he stood there motionless for a good 10 minutes before lowering himself and running into the town.
He ran straight towards the bridge, hollowmen began to rise up but he just cut them down, he made it to the middle of the bridge when he hit a problem, on both sides he was surounded by howllowmen, he could do nothing he was trapped like a rat, he looked up into the sky for a breef while, he looked at the sun which shined off of his goggles, he dropped his rifle and picked up a nearby sword, he took a deep breath and ran into the hollowmen a siucide mission. He ran striaight into the mob slashing and blocking as best he could, he cut his way through them like a hot nice through butter, he did not do so without getting slashed and stabbed from all directions. He made it to the center of town his cloths torn to shreds, he stood there and called out. "COME ON! I KNOW YOUR HERE SHOW YOURSELF YOU PEICE OF ****!" he took a defensive stance and waited a few seconds past but then a rumble, the ground began to shake and crumble beneath his feet, and there rose the undead king, his crown of bones gleaming in the midday sun, and his dull armor reflecting as little light as it could, and his huge glowing sword."So You called me out then, what do you want mortal!" The King screamed in a truley unholy voice, Ruuku stood his ground and said "I'm here to take back what is mine!". He took the sword he had picked up from the ground and threw it at the king, the king laughed and raised his own sword which was now glowing red, and stroke it down with force equal to a nuke, surley Ruuku was done for, not so he held his own sword high and he had blocked the attack!, his sword began to glow white, he took off his goggles, his eyes where bright blue. "now lets fight properly shall we".
one more part and the story is over, probably a good thing seeing as how ive gone for ok to completley ****.......
Feldor rolled to the side narrowly avoiding the sword, Ruuku pulled out his rifle and placed it infront of feldors face,"wait wait, It's me!" screamed Ruuku was about to fire, he pulled away for a second an leaned his rifle on his shoulder, "Who are you, how can you talk?" Ruuku began to question Feldor, " I Don't know how i can talk or how im alive, but its me the travleller who took you in!" Ruuku looked stared at him for a second then placed the gun back on his forehead. "It doesnt matter who you are your still a hollow peice of ****!" Ruuku Fired, Feldors skull shattered into a thousand peices and his body did the same, the peices fell to the ground and dissapeared. Ruuku picked up his sword and placed it into his sheath. "This is it. Now im gonna take back bowerstone!" He walked up the road and took off his long coat blowing in the brease, his sword on his belt and his rifle strapped to his back, he ripped off his mask and cast it aside. He was now stood at the gate, he pulled out his rifle and held it with his right hand, he pulled out his sword and held that with his left, he stood there motionless for a good 10 minutes before lowering himself and running into the town.
He ran straight towards the bridge, hollowmen began to rise up but he just cut them down, he made it to the middle of the bridge when he hit a problem, on both sides he was surounded by howllowmen, he could do nothing he was trapped like a rat, he looked up into the sky for a breef while, he looked at the sun which shined off of his goggles, he dropped his rifle and picked up a nearby sword, he took a deep breath and ran into the hollowmen a siucide mission. He ran striaight into the mob slashing and blocking as best he could, he cut his way through them like a hot nice through butter, he did not do so without getting slashed and stabbed from all directions. He made it to the center of town his cloths torn to shreds, he stood there and called out. "COME ON! I KNOW YOUR HERE SHOW YOURSELF YOU PEICE OF ****!" he took a defensive stance and waited a few seconds past but then a rumble, the ground began to shake and crumble beneath his feet, and there rose the undead king, his crown of bones gleaming in the midday sun, and his dull armor reflecting as little light as it could, and his huge glowing sword."So You called me out then, what do you want mortal!" The King screamed in a truley unholy voice, Ruuku stood his ground and said "I'm here to take back what is mine!". He took the sword he had picked up from the ground and threw it at the king, the king laughed and raised his own sword which was now glowing red, and stroke it down with force equal to a nuke, surley Ruuku was done for, not so he held his own sword high and he had blocked the attack!, his sword began to glow white, he took off his goggles, his eyes where bright blue. "now lets fight properly shall we".
one more part and the story is over, probably a good thing seeing as how ive gone for ok to completley ****.......
Cobalt Gamer
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Re: Night of The Living Hollow Men
Ruuku pulled back as the undead king lifted up his sword and looked over at ruuku."I wonder how you got that little toy? no matter no-one can defeat me not even jack of blades." Ruuku jumped up into the air only to be sent right back down by a axe crashing into his stomach, Ruuku was surounded by hollowmen, "looks like my odds arn't that great, oh well if i die im taking you with me!" With that Ruuku jumped up once again and foot planted off of the clock tower landing on the Kings back, he pulled back his hands and thrust the sword into Its neck but nothing happened, The undead king grabbed him and threw him into a house. Ruuku was loosing blood by the bucket load, he tried to stand but simply couldnt, slowly his hand rose up from the debries and he grabbed a shelf, using it to get himself back on his feet, he rose his sword into the air and charged at the huge creature only to be sent flying once again but this time into the air, he had no control over his body he could not move, this was it he closed and waited for the inevetiable, but nothing he turned around and landed on the clock tower, something was fighting with the undead king it was another hallowman! It was Feldor, Ruuku took this opertunity to recover, his body was shaking blood just kept pouring out of his wounds, he began to think of a way to kill the monster while Feldor was fighting. The glowing red sword came crashing down turning the ground to rubble Feldor fell back breaking his arm into dust, he rolled out of the way as the sword came crashing down once more, he stood up and threw his axe at the King, it just hit him and fell to the ground. Feldor was finished he could do nothing, even in the end he was useless, he fell to his knees and began to weep, The King raised his sword and brought down for the finishing blow, Ruuku stood up." I've got it!" he shouted, he jumped down holding his sword out as if ready to fight in mid air, but he was too late, the sword had turned Feldor to nothing, he could not come back his sould had become part of the sword, Ruuku landed infron of the king with a thud, the impact broke both of his legs, he watched as the king lifted his arm again readying it for another death blow, down it came, time seemed to stop here, everything was still, not a bird nor cloud in the sky moved, the river stoped flowing, for this slight fraction of time for an artist to capture this moment, were good meets evil in a battle to decide the fate of a world, all at once the world returned to normal and the sword hit its target, but as it did it shattered, Ruuku had plunged his sword into his own heart, he was now glowing"When one sacrfices himself for good, he is granted one wish, one wish to make the world a greater place, I wish to return bowerstone how it once was and send these demons to hell!" all at once the sky grew dark the ground shook more violently then ever a bright green light shone up from the cracks in the street. The hollowmen began to crumble to dust, the king let out a cry of pain, and vanished into the abyss. The town began to rebuild itself, the villagers found themselves stood in the town center not understandin what had happened, Ruuku's body now scorched fell to the ground and lay there ever so still.
Authors notes.
Today was fun i woke up at 8 as i am acustmomed too, the morning was a fairly decent one considering the rain last night, i walked out of my door and what should i find a long brown coat sat outside my door step, being ever so slightly curiouse i began to check the pockets, in one of them i found of peice of paper here is what it said.
I'll never forget this night, i will not allow myself to forget, the door wont hold for much longer, i guess i should start from the beggining.It was a normal evening like any other, i had finished farming and was making my way to my front door when i noticed some-one standing on the edge of the farm, i dont usualy get visiotrs so i was curiouse, mabye a bit too curiouse for my own good, the fields were filled with golden grain and some cabage patches to the left, the sky was a browny orange colour, as i got closer to the unidentified man, i noticed he had a hug chunk of his body missing from his chest and his skin was alot paler then my own, and he had very little hair. I reached out my hand when he turned around, never in my life had i scene a more horrific sight, he had no jaw and the gap in his chest was infested with maggots and other bugs one can only imagine in there deepest nightmares, alot of his flesh was missing and in his hands where too extremly big axes, i jumped back as the thing swung one of the axes in my direction, i turned around and headed for my home, i was being followed by some weird glowing white balls, one flew into the ground below me and another one of those things began to rise up from the earth, i ran as fast as i could, i turned around to see how many of them there were now. My heart sank. My entire feild was filled with these creatures all slowly moving in on my position as i turned back round i had forgetten i was still running towards my house and i crashed through the door, i fell to the floor but quickly scrambled up, my door was now in peices all over my floor, i scanned my room for somthing to baracade the doorway with, the room was pretty bare a few pictures on the wallas a dining table and some chairs, but all at once i threw the cable and chairs infron of the doorway hoping it hold them back, i remembered the rifle above the fire place and grabbed it, i sat a few feet away from the doorway with my rifle loaded and ready, i waited, and waited aand waited, i began to think it may have all been in my headi was just about to move the table out of the way when a huge axe crashing through the baracade, i fell back and began to fire my rifle franticly i took out two of the things before i had to reload, i ran into the kitchen hoping to escape but i had left the back door open, more of the things entered my house i was cornered, i had no-where else ot run but the cellar. So thats it here i am now locked away in my cellar, i just hope some kind hero will come and find me before those things figure out the latch, i just hope its soon i only have enough down here to last me 3 days.Im so hungry, im wasting away i can feel my stomach eating itself, its been 6 days now, im going to die soon, all i can do is lay here powerless to do anything about it, i can barley write more then a couple of sentences a day so ill leave it for now. I was awoken by a crash a man fell through my cellar door, he was dressed in a long brown coat, a mask covering the bottom half of his face, a pair of blue pants and a pair of goggles, he looked at me and walked closer. "you'll do" he said "I would like you to do me a favour, i want you to become me" i was very confused by this, how could i become this man. " my life is coming to an end but i know this world is in need of a hero, so i am passing my blade to you" he gave me his attire but i was too weak to stand let alone become a hero!. "oh right you cant move can you right." he picked up his sword and plunged it into his own chest." When one sacrfices himself for good, he is granted one wish, one wish to make the world a greater place, I wish that this man may become me and take on my duties!" with that the man landed in on my cellar floor in a heap, suddenly i felt better, i stood up , i had a weird feeling in my well everywhere! i decided to swap cloths with the man lest people find out who i really am, i check his body for an way of identifiing him, "Ruuku Enbako" this was craved into his arm, "I AM RUUKU ENBAKO AND I WILL SAVE THIS WORLD!!"
So there you go finaly finished, i hope you enjoyed reading it as much as i enjoyed writing it, im probably gonna start another story but probably not right away i may just let my mind fill with ideas for awhile then write a truley epic story. Thanks for all the kind words you people truly deserve rep yourselves and i will probably go through all of you and give rep as thanks
Ruuku pulled back as the undead king lifted up his sword and looked over at ruuku."I wonder how you got that little toy? no matter no-one can defeat me not even jack of blades." Ruuku jumped up into the air only to be sent right back down by a axe crashing into his stomach, Ruuku was surounded by hollowmen, "looks like my odds arn't that great, oh well if i die im taking you with me!" With that Ruuku jumped up once again and foot planted off of the clock tower landing on the Kings back, he pulled back his hands and thrust the sword into Its neck but nothing happened, The undead king grabbed him and threw him into a house. Ruuku was loosing blood by the bucket load, he tried to stand but simply couldnt, slowly his hand rose up from the debries and he grabbed a shelf, using it to get himself back on his feet, he rose his sword into the air and charged at the huge creature only to be sent flying once again but this time into the air, he had no control over his body he could not move, this was it he closed and waited for the inevetiable, but nothing he turned around and landed on the clock tower, something was fighting with the undead king it was another hallowman! It was Feldor, Ruuku took this opertunity to recover, his body was shaking blood just kept pouring out of his wounds, he began to think of a way to kill the monster while Feldor was fighting. The glowing red sword came crashing down turning the ground to rubble Feldor fell back breaking his arm into dust, he rolled out of the way as the sword came crashing down once more, he stood up and threw his axe at the King, it just hit him and fell to the ground. Feldor was finished he could do nothing, even in the end he was useless, he fell to his knees and began to weep, The King raised his sword and brought down for the finishing blow, Ruuku stood up." I've got it!" he shouted, he jumped down holding his sword out as if ready to fight in mid air, but he was too late, the sword had turned Feldor to nothing, he could not come back his sould had become part of the sword, Ruuku landed infron of the king with a thud, the impact broke both of his legs, he watched as the king lifted his arm again readying it for another death blow, down it came, time seemed to stop here, everything was still, not a bird nor cloud in the sky moved, the river stoped flowing, for this slight fraction of time for an artist to capture this moment, were good meets evil in a battle to decide the fate of a world, all at once the world returned to normal and the sword hit its target, but as it did it shattered, Ruuku had plunged his sword into his own heart, he was now glowing"When one sacrfices himself for good, he is granted one wish, one wish to make the world a greater place, I wish to return bowerstone how it once was and send these demons to hell!" all at once the sky grew dark the ground shook more violently then ever a bright green light shone up from the cracks in the street. The hollowmen began to crumble to dust, the king let out a cry of pain, and vanished into the abyss. The town began to rebuild itself, the villagers found themselves stood in the town center not understandin what had happened, Ruuku's body now scorched fell to the ground and lay there ever so still.
Authors notes.
Today was fun i woke up at 8 as i am acustmomed too, the morning was a fairly decent one considering the rain last night, i walked out of my door and what should i find a long brown coat sat outside my door step, being ever so slightly curiouse i began to check the pockets, in one of them i found of peice of paper here is what it said.
I'll never forget this night, i will not allow myself to forget, the door wont hold for much longer, i guess i should start from the beggining.It was a normal evening like any other, i had finished farming and was making my way to my front door when i noticed some-one standing on the edge of the farm, i dont usualy get visiotrs so i was curiouse, mabye a bit too curiouse for my own good, the fields were filled with golden grain and some cabage patches to the left, the sky was a browny orange colour, as i got closer to the unidentified man, i noticed he had a hug chunk of his body missing from his chest and his skin was alot paler then my own, and he had very little hair. I reached out my hand when he turned around, never in my life had i scene a more horrific sight, he had no jaw and the gap in his chest was infested with maggots and other bugs one can only imagine in there deepest nightmares, alot of his flesh was missing and in his hands where too extremly big axes, i jumped back as the thing swung one of the axes in my direction, i turned around and headed for my home, i was being followed by some weird glowing white balls, one flew into the ground below me and another one of those things began to rise up from the earth, i ran as fast as i could, i turned around to see how many of them there were now. My heart sank. My entire feild was filled with these creatures all slowly moving in on my position as i turned back round i had forgetten i was still running towards my house and i crashed through the door, i fell to the floor but quickly scrambled up, my door was now in peices all over my floor, i scanned my room for somthing to baracade the doorway with, the room was pretty bare a few pictures on the wallas a dining table and some chairs, but all at once i threw the cable and chairs infron of the doorway hoping it hold them back, i remembered the rifle above the fire place and grabbed it, i sat a few feet away from the doorway with my rifle loaded and ready, i waited, and waited aand waited, i began to think it may have all been in my headi was just about to move the table out of the way when a huge axe crashing through the baracade, i fell back and began to fire my rifle franticly i took out two of the things before i had to reload, i ran into the kitchen hoping to escape but i had left the back door open, more of the things entered my house i was cornered, i had no-where else ot run but the cellar. So thats it here i am now locked away in my cellar, i just hope some kind hero will come and find me before those things figure out the latch, i just hope its soon i only have enough down here to last me 3 days.Im so hungry, im wasting away i can feel my stomach eating itself, its been 6 days now, im going to die soon, all i can do is lay here powerless to do anything about it, i can barley write more then a couple of sentences a day so ill leave it for now. I was awoken by a crash a man fell through my cellar door, he was dressed in a long brown coat, a mask covering the bottom half of his face, a pair of blue pants and a pair of goggles, he looked at me and walked closer. "you'll do" he said "I would like you to do me a favour, i want you to become me" i was very confused by this, how could i become this man. " my life is coming to an end but i know this world is in need of a hero, so i am passing my blade to you" he gave me his attire but i was too weak to stand let alone become a hero!. "oh right you cant move can you right." he picked up his sword and plunged it into his own chest." When one sacrfices himself for good, he is granted one wish, one wish to make the world a greater place, I wish that this man may become me and take on my duties!" with that the man landed in on my cellar floor in a heap, suddenly i felt better, i stood up , i had a weird feeling in my well everywhere! i decided to swap cloths with the man lest people find out who i really am, i check his body for an way of identifiing him, "Ruuku Enbako" this was craved into his arm, "I AM RUUKU ENBAKO AND I WILL SAVE THIS WORLD!!"
So there you go finaly finished, i hope you enjoyed reading it as much as i enjoyed writing it, im probably gonna start another story but probably not right away i may just let my mind fill with ideas for awhile then write a truley epic story. Thanks for all the kind words you people truly deserve rep yourselves and i will probably go through all of you and give rep as thanks
Tyloric
Illogical Process of Elimination
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Re: Night of The Living Hollow Men
As far as writing goes, you need to break the paragraph after each new dialog. A new paragraph is supposed to begin every time the topic is altered or completely changes.
Your writing is very rushed. There aren't really any transitions from scene to scene.
You might also want to read through what you've written a few times: there are a lot of grammatical, spelling, and punctuation mistakes. I suggest finding a good beta reader.
The story is interesting enough, but could use a bit of work.
As far as writing goes, you need to break the paragraph after each new dialog. A new paragraph is supposed to begin every time the topic is altered or completely changes.
Your writing is very rushed. There aren't really any transitions from scene to scene.
You might also want to read through what you've written a few times: there are a lot of grammatical, spelling, and punctuation mistakes. I suggest finding a good beta reader.
The story is interesting enough, but could use a bit of work.