I know, no one cares; but I don't have a blog, and I can't post any of this on Facebook so I just need even a single person to read this and either tell me it'll be alright or give me some extreme enlightenment.
So to start out I'll update my life, because with the exception of Cheez I'm not worried about anyone finding and killing me. I am almost 18 now, it's less than a month away. I've quit my low paying chef job because the business seems to be on a downward slope, I am now working at a grocery store stocking shelves like a monkey boy. I've been doing this for two months and to be honest, I don't mind it: It has union benefits, I have advancement and pay increase opportunities, and my bosses seem to like me (Bringing me up in a board meeting about sifting out bad employees they called me a "keeper") but overall my work is meaningless and I am an expendable blue collar peon. I am also engaged to a fine lass who is a lot like me (If a little more depressed and emotionally wrecked from a terrible childhood which out of respect I won't delve into)
Next month involves a lot of change for me, so much that it scares me:
I make about $900 a month presently, give or take thirty dollars. Starting October I'll be paying my parents rent: $200 a month, plus insurance which is $120, plus all my regular expenses (Extra food, gas, clothes, and my fiancee) Tallied up I will have less than $50 to put into my savings each month. Don't get me wrong, it's cheaper than living solo in an apartment, but it's still ****ty I have to pay to live in the place I've lived in for 16 years. Because of this I've had to drop my gym membership, which was one of the only things that turned me from an insecure self-hating emo into a halfway happy man. The only alternative is I can live here for free if I go to college, which I can't because I can't afford that either and don't want to pay federal loans till I'm almost ready to retire; especially when I don't know what I want to do or if I'd even enjoy what I'd end up doing. My dad is still an emotional train wrecker, constantly asking me questions about things I already told him I wasn't gonna do, feeling disappointed in me, whatever.
I'm still hiding all my regular skeletons in the closet too: religion, sexuality, ideologies, etc.
I've got to think about moving out ASAP, not just for me but my fiancee who lives 45 minutes away.
She is living in an abusive home situation where her father is bipolar, if not straight up sociopathic, her mom doesn't work and treats her youngest daughter like gold, ignoring my girl's needs, she helps pay their bills, pays for all of her mom's gas and is emotionally hammered like a crooked nail in a cracked plywood board. Her mom just told her last week that she is leaving with the youngest daughter to Chicago for acting lessons on September 3rd and won't be coming back till mid December, my fiancee doesn't have a drivers license because her mom would never let her get one, so she must rely on me and like 2 other people to get to work for the next three months (mainly me), and I sure as hell won't let her stay at her house alone with her pig stepdad, so for three months she will be bouncing between her house, my house, a friend's house and motels. Thankfully she works night shift so it's easier to work around my schedule to help her get to and from work, but this means little sleep for me and lots of stress wondering if week after week my schedule will work with hers or not. The only comfort is she'll be spotting me gas money. I have so much pressure weighing me down right now...
We've recently, and stupidly flirted with the idea of suicide, glancing by it, talking about the taste of cyanide, etc, etc. Flaunting our insecurities like a flag that is to be waved, sitting at Red Lobster eating shrimp scampi while screaming and pulsing on the inside at the "unjust" world that has been thrown upon us, a good chunk of that pressure is due to the week of my birthday; which is when I'll know if I am going to be a daddy. Another thing that hasn't helped her as she has had to abstain from tobacco and alcohol which she so heavily enjoys. I haven't felt this helpless since I was a little kid. And my cigs and vodka only helps so much. Why can't I remain this happy-go-lucky Fonzie persona that I've molded myself into?
Why is all this happening so suddenly?
Why is life a bitch?
Why did I do so much to wreck my life?
Why did others do so much to wreck my life?
Why did others do so much to wreck her life?
I just had to get all of this out, it isn't like I can vent to all but a couple friends.
To top it all off? I'm constipated.
So to start out I'll update my life, because with the exception of Cheez I'm not worried about anyone finding and killing me. I am almost 18 now, it's less than a month away. I've quit my low paying chef job because the business seems to be on a downward slope, I am now working at a grocery store stocking shelves like a monkey boy. I've been doing this for two months and to be honest, I don't mind it: It has union benefits, I have advancement and pay increase opportunities, and my bosses seem to like me (Bringing me up in a board meeting about sifting out bad employees they called me a "keeper") but overall my work is meaningless and I am an expendable blue collar peon. I am also engaged to a fine lass who is a lot like me (If a little more depressed and emotionally wrecked from a terrible childhood which out of respect I won't delve into)
Next month involves a lot of change for me, so much that it scares me:
I make about $900 a month presently, give or take thirty dollars. Starting October I'll be paying my parents rent: $200 a month, plus insurance which is $120, plus all my regular expenses (Extra food, gas, clothes, and my fiancee) Tallied up I will have less than $50 to put into my savings each month. Don't get me wrong, it's cheaper than living solo in an apartment, but it's still ****ty I have to pay to live in the place I've lived in for 16 years. Because of this I've had to drop my gym membership, which was one of the only things that turned me from an insecure self-hating emo into a halfway happy man. The only alternative is I can live here for free if I go to college, which I can't because I can't afford that either and don't want to pay federal loans till I'm almost ready to retire; especially when I don't know what I want to do or if I'd even enjoy what I'd end up doing. My dad is still an emotional train wrecker, constantly asking me questions about things I already told him I wasn't gonna do, feeling disappointed in me, whatever.
I'm still hiding all my regular skeletons in the closet too: religion, sexuality, ideologies, etc.
I've got to think about moving out ASAP, not just for me but my fiancee who lives 45 minutes away.
She is living in an abusive home situation where her father is bipolar, if not straight up sociopathic, her mom doesn't work and treats her youngest daughter like gold, ignoring my girl's needs, she helps pay their bills, pays for all of her mom's gas and is emotionally hammered like a crooked nail in a cracked plywood board. Her mom just told her last week that she is leaving with the youngest daughter to Chicago for acting lessons on September 3rd and won't be coming back till mid December, my fiancee doesn't have a drivers license because her mom would never let her get one, so she must rely on me and like 2 other people to get to work for the next three months (mainly me), and I sure as hell won't let her stay at her house alone with her pig stepdad, so for three months she will be bouncing between her house, my house, a friend's house and motels. Thankfully she works night shift so it's easier to work around my schedule to help her get to and from work, but this means little sleep for me and lots of stress wondering if week after week my schedule will work with hers or not. The only comfort is she'll be spotting me gas money. I have so much pressure weighing me down right now...
We've recently, and stupidly flirted with the idea of suicide, glancing by it, talking about the taste of cyanide, etc, etc. Flaunting our insecurities like a flag that is to be waved, sitting at Red Lobster eating shrimp scampi while screaming and pulsing on the inside at the "unjust" world that has been thrown upon us, a good chunk of that pressure is due to the week of my birthday; which is when I'll know if I am going to be a daddy. Another thing that hasn't helped her as she has had to abstain from tobacco and alcohol which she so heavily enjoys. I haven't felt this helpless since I was a little kid. And my cigs and vodka only helps so much. Why can't I remain this happy-go-lucky Fonzie persona that I've molded myself into?
Why is all this happening so suddenly?
Why is life a bitch?
Why did I do so much to wreck my life?
Why did others do so much to wreck my life?
Why did others do so much to wreck her life?
I just had to get all of this out, it isn't like I can vent to all but a couple friends.
To top it all off? I'm constipated.