Jokes

[FableFreak]

Re: Jokes

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."

 

[FableFreak]

Re: Jokes

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus... so shut the hell up."

 

[FableFreak]

Re: Jokes

A man returns from Africa feeling very ill. He visits his doctor, who immediately rushes the guy to the intensive care unit at the local hospital. The man wakes up to the ringing of a telephone and answers it. “We’ve received the results from your tests,” says the doctor on the other end of the line. “Bad news—you have Ebola.” “Oh, my God,” cries the man. “Doc! What am I going to do?” “Don’t worry. First, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes, and pita bread,” says the doctor. “Will that cure me?” “No, but it’s the only food we’ll be able to get under the door.”

 

[FableFreak]

Re: Jokes

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory.

Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.

They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"

He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages.

The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"

The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."

 

[SorenSwift]

Re: Jokes

Before i start off this is not against any religions or anything but it has priests in it. Mkay so anyway nowthen there are these 5 priests who dont want to be priests anymore so they go to the bishop and he says do something bad. So all the priests are back and they all line up and the bishop asks the first priest what he did and he said he beat a dog. So the bishop says take 100 sips of the holy water. The fifth priest starts giggling. The second priest says he killed a dog. He must take 200 sips of the holy water. 5th priests starts laughing harder. 3rd priest beat a human. 300 sips of the holy water. 5th ones laughing real hard. 4th priest kills a human. he must take 1,000 sips of the holy water. The 5th priest is laughing so hard he cant even breath. The bishop asks him what he did and he says "Peed in the holy water"

 

[FableFreak]

Re: Jokes

OMG! LOL that was a HILARIOUS JOKE!!! Seriously, that was really funny... Good one Soren!

 

[FableFreak]

Re: Jokes

Rodney Dangerfield One Liners




I know what day of the week you were born.
I was so poor growing up ... If I wasn't born a boy .... I'd have
nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's
nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other
night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked.
I said to the guy ... "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said,
"Because you came home early."

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put on a shirt and
a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid .... When I played in the sandbox the cat kept
covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and
a radio.

I was such an ugly baby ... My mother never breast fed me. She told
me that she only liked me as a friend.

I'm so ugly ... My father carries around the picture of the kid who
came with his wallet.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said
to my father ... I'm very sorry .... We did everything we could ...
But he pulled through.

I'm so ugly ... My mother had morning sickness ... AFTER I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger
to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost ... I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me
find my parents. I said to him ... "Do you think we'll ever find them?

He said, "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I'm so ugly ... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how
big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and
look in the mirror ... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?"

He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

 

[FableFreak]

Re: Jokes

The Voice

A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice in his head, which tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice.

But the next day, the same thing happens: The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

Again the man ignores the voice, but he’s becoming increasingly upset, and the third time he hears the voice, he succumbs to the pressure. He quits his job, sells his house, takes his money, and heads to Las Vegas.

The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Harrah’s."

He hops in a cab and rushes over to the casino, where the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table."

The man does as he is told.

When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."

Nervously, the man cashes in all his money for chips and then puts them on 17.

"Now watch," says the voice.

The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel.

Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number . . . 21.

The voice says, "f***."

 

[Albion Knight]

Re: Jokes

ROFLMAO

I Brit a Scotsman and an Irishman are at a pub each having a Guinness when a fly lands in each of their glasses.


The Brit pushed the glass away says ugh "Disgusting"


The Scotsman plucks the fly out and proceeds to drink the Guinness.



The Irishman grabs the fly and says "Spit out you *******, spit it out"

 

[FableFreak]

Re: Jokes

Haha, nice one. Nagging on those crusty old drunken Irishman.

On a lesser note you're sig doesn't make sense. Don't you mean 2 types of people? How can there be 10 types of people who do and don't understand Binary?

 

[Hexadecimal]

Re: Jokes

On a lesser note you're sig doesn't make sense. Don't you mean 2 types of people? How can there be 10 types of people who do and don't understand Binary?

hehe
guess we know which type you are...
you should have watched more ReBoot... :lol:

 

[FableFreak]

Re: Jokes

hehe
guess we know which type you are...
you should have watched more ReBoot... :lol:

I already told you I watched it when I was 10, I watched it plenty but I honestly don't remember a TV show I watched 6 years ago!!!

 

[Hexadecimal]

Re: Jokes

I already told you I watched it when I was 10, I watched it plenty but I honestly don't remember a TV show I watched 6 years ago!!!

hehe
that's ok fablefreak... I think I just remember it so well because I grew up with it. I keep forgetting you guys got it later. you should really check out the episodes if you ever get the chance... and the movies... and the game for ps1...

... and 2 in binary is 10... though I know you don't care... hehe

 

[FableFreak]

Re: Jokes

hehe
that's ok fablefreak... I think I just remember it so well because I grew up with it. I keep forgetting you guys got it later. you should really check out the episodes if you ever get the chance... and the movies... and the game for ps1...

... and 2 in binary is 10... though I know you don't care... hehe

All my doubts that you are a nerd have failed... I'm speechless...

 

[Dark Drakan]

Re: Jokes

All my doubts that you are a nerd have failed... I'm speechless...

:lol: i know quite afew people who know binary.... i however do not so dont go calling me a nerd haha.

While im here my aswel post a joke thanks to Aaron for sending me this a while ago

The $100 TATTOO Larry gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell! were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

 

[FableFreak]

Re: Jokes

:lol: i know quite afew people who know binary.... i however do not so dont go calling me a nerd haha.

While im here my aswel post a joke thanks to Aaron for sending me this a while ago

The $100 TATTOO Larry gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell! were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!!!! Oh that was GREAT!!! I'm going to remember that one. Man that had me laughing out loud.

 

[Dark Drakan]

Re: Jokes

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!!!! Oh that was GREAT!!! I'm going to remember that one. Man that had me laughing out loud.

Thought id bring it back on topic

 

[Liberator]

Re: Jokes

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil engineer sit down to discuss their views on God and the nature of the human body.

The first one says, "Surely the Lord is a mechanical engineer, look at how fluidly the human body moves."

The second says, "Nonsense, God is an electrical engineer...examine the systems of neural impulses that travel through the body to power it."

The third responses, "Nah....you're both wrong! God's a civil engineer, for sure. Only one of us would run waste through an entertainment district!!!"

 

[FableFreak]

Re: Jokes

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil engineer sit down to discuss their views on God and the nature of the human body.

The first one says, "Surely the Lord is a mechanical engineer, look at how fluidly the human body moves."

The second says, "Nonsense, God is an electrical engineer...examine the systems of neural impulses that travel through the body to power it."

The third responses, "Nah....you're both wrong! God's a civil engineer, for sure. Only one of us would run waste through an entertainment district!!!"

Maybe I'm just slow, but I didn't get that joke.

 

[Liberator]

Re: Jokes

A mother snake is about to leave her pit to hunt, when she tells her children, "Now while I'm gone, I expect you to behave. Absolutely no hissing in here while I'm away!"

The children agree, and Mother Snake leaves home.

When the mother returns, she finds her children hissing loudly inside their home.

"What did I say before I left?" said the mother.

"No hissing while you're away," the children respond.

"Right, next time I leave, I'm sending you over to the pit of our neighbor, Mrs. Pott. She'll make sure you keep quiet."

The next day, the mother snake sends the children to Mrs. Pott's home, while she goes out to hunt.

When the children arrive, they find that Mrs. Pott is not home. Nonetheless, they go inside, and without adult supervision start hissing loudly again.

Soon Mrs. Pott gets back to her pit and finds the children inside. Angry that they are being so loud, Mrs. Pott sends them home with a message for their mother.

When Mother Snake finally gets back home from her hunt, she finds her children hissing like crazy.

"I thought I told you to go to Mrs. Pott's home until I got back," Mother Snake exclaims.

"You did," said the children. "She got mad and told us to go home. And she says you have a lot of nerve to send us over to her home if we're going to be loud, because Mrs. Pott says she's known you before you had a pit to hiss in!"

Maybe I'm just slow, but I didn't get that joke.

Which part, the civil engineer or the "Waste through an entertainment district" part?