Jokes

[Hexadecimal]

Re: Jokes

okay... I'm pretty drunk right now... so these may or may not be as funny as I think they are... but I thought I'd share the humour flying around our xmas party right now...

Three nuns are chilling out on a park bench...
some guy in an overcoat runs up and just flashes them, he's totally exposing himself to these nuns...
well... the first one looks and just has a stroke...
the second one has a stroke too...
the third one... well... she couldn't quite reach...

Three drunks wander in on a church's christmas fundraiser in their quest for a toilet...
they bump into the priest who tells them they can have at 'er if they can make a festive donation to the less fortunate...
so the first drunk whips out his lighter...
the priest goes "and what's this now?"
the drunk replies "itshhh a candle...*hic*"
so the priest just shakes his head "get outta here!"
the second one, a little worried, pulls out his keys and jingles him in the priest's face...
the priest goes "oh you've got to be kidding me.. what are you doing?"
so the second drunk says "welllll... theshe issshhh twinkling shtarssshhh..."
so the priest grabs him and throws his *** out the door...
the last guy, desperate now, searches his pockets madly and finally comes up with a ladies thong from earlier in the evening...
the priest just stares and says "and what in holy heaven does that have to do with christmas?"
the drunk replies ... *hic*...they're Carol's...

 

[FableFreak]

Re: Jokes

Hahaa! Those are pretty good, especially for being drunk. I heard the first one a while back except it was three old ladies, not nuns. Funny stuff, keep em coming!

 

[Sephiroxas]

Re: Jokes

Yay those we awesome.

 

[FableFreak]

Re: Jokes

Nice Name




I attended a party this past weekend.

After checking out all the well-dressed guests at the party, I spotted an attractive woman (standing alone) across the room. When I approached and
asked her name, She coyly replied... "Carmen."

Trying to maintain some sort of conversation with her, I responded with "That's a beautiful name, Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself, because it reflects the things I like most in the world - cars and men."

Then she asked, "What's your name?"

"Golftits," I replied... :ninja:

 

[FableFreak]

Re: Jokes

edited

 

[Albion Knight]

Re: Jokes

I robot programmed for conversation was at a gamers conference. When one gamer passed by it asked "Hi what’s your IQ?" The gamer responded "164" to which the Robot said Have you played Fable?"

After a good conversation another gamer passed by and the robot asked "Hi what’s your IQ?" the gamer responded "100" so the robot asked "Have you played GTA" after a short but excited conversation the gamer moved on.

Soon another gamer came by and the robot said "Hi what’s your IQ?" the gamer said "Huh um 50" and the robot said 'How do like Runescape?"

 

[FableFreak]

Re: Jokes

I robot programmed for conversation was at a gamers conference. When one gamer passed by it asked "Hi what’s your IQ?" The gamer responded "164" to which the Robot said Have you played Fable?"

After a good conversation another gamer passed by and the robot asked "Hi what’s your IQ?" the gamer responded "100" so the robot asked "Have you played GTA" after a short but excited conversation the gamer moved on.

Soon another gamer came by and the robot said "Hi what’s your IQ?" the gamer said "Huh um 50" and the robot said 'How do like Runescape?"

Its true actually. Only a retard would play Runescape...

 

[TRA Rotid]

Re: Jokes

No Runescape is great!

PS! This is the jokes thread

 

[Albion Knight]

Re: Jokes

That wasn't funny not funny yea
Three guys walk into a bar and it's really stupid because after the first two did you'd think the third guy would have seen it.

 

[Angel]

Re: Jokes

That should not have made me laugh. But it did.

 

[Albion Knight]

Re: Jokes

That should not have made me laugh. But it did.

If you mean the one about the three guys walking into a bar its from Howie Mandell back when he had hair

 

[FableFreak]

Re: Jokes

I think your walked into a bar joke could have flowed a little better. Maybe something like...

Two guys walked into a bar, but the third didn't because he ducked.

 

[Albion Knight]

Re: Jokes

I think your walked into a bar joke could have flowed a little better. Maybe something like...

Two guys walked into a bar, but the third didn't because he ducked.

You're right that is better +rep
Unless of coarse you don't want people to get it right away
I was telling it the way Howie did.

 

[FableFreak]

Re: Jokes

Redneck Pickup Lines! They are Hilarious!


1) Did you fart, cause you blew me away.

2) Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.

3) My Love for you is like diarrhea .. I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

6) If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.

7) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

11) Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

13) Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

 

[Albion Knight]

Re: Jokes

Those are pretty good I'll have to try them
*To my wife*"Hey honey did you s**t because that blows"

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..." The girl looked at him, then said, "NO." Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.... so she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks "What happened....?"

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The ******* had all quarters!"

 

[FableFreak]

Re: Jokes

I've heard one very similar to that.

 

[black.]

Re: Jokes

Three men are walking through the desert and they need somewhere to sleep. They come across a little farm. They knock on the door and an old man answers. They ask if they can sleep in his barn. He says sure, as long as none of them try to have sex with his daughter. They agree. That night, not trusting the three men, the man inserts a small laser into his daughters *****. In the morning the three men go to the house and thank the old man for his hospitality. Just as they are turning to leave, he asks the first man to drop his pants. When he does, he ***** falls off. The old man says "HA! I knew I couldn't trust you!" He then instructs the second man to drop his pants. He does so, and his ***** falls off, too. "You're no better!" yells the old man. Finally, he asks the third man to drop his pants. The man kindly agrees, but when he does, his ***** does not fall off. The old man is surprised, and says "You are free to go". As the man leaves, he says "Thank you, sir" And his tounge falls off.

I don't know if some of the words in that joke are allowed on the forum, so I sensored them.

 

[FableFreak]

Re: Jokes

This is a good one, perfect for all the political heat going on in the US right now, not to mention its funny as hell!

Book Report
Students were assigned to read two books, "Titanic" and "My Life",
by Bill Clinton.

One smart-*** student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories. His professor had a sense of humor and gave the student an A+ for his report:

Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99

Titanic: Over three hours to read
Clinton: Over three hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinto n: Bill is a bull**** artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica... ooh, let's not go there either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary... basically the same thing.

 

[Hexadecimal]

Re: Jokes

sitting on a plane are two arab fellows with a U.S. marine settling himself into the aisle seat. He makes himself comfortable, kicks off his shoes, and attempts to have a nap.
After a short while, one of the fellows next to him pokes him awake saying "excuse me, but I have to get by, I would like to get a Coke".
the marine says "oh no, let me go and grab it, I'm already on the end here". So he walks over still barefoot, and the guy next to him looks down at his shoes. In a second, he's pulled them out and spits a big gob into one.
a short time later the other guy says to the marine "excuse me, but I too have to go, I would also like a Coke". The marine once again offers to go and get it for him and this man also spits in his other shoe.
the marine finally gets to enjoy his nap upon returning, and at the end of the flight he pulls out his shoes and puts them on... he can tell immediately what happened...
"my god" he cries "this is enough! when will this hostility between us be at an end? it's ridiculous, ... spitting in shoes... ****ing in coke..."

 

[FableFreak]

Re: Jokes

Thats funny...