Child Discipline.

[Gikoku]

Was thinking back on when I was a kid and my parents (specifically my dad) would occasionally beat me with a belt to help set me straight whenever I acted up, and how much of an effect it had on me in the long term. Looking at it right now, it did very little to set me straight in my youth and found myself simply being a lot more clever to avoid said whippings. It wasn't until I got older (around 11) that I picked up more common sense through other experiences (such as teachers talking to me) and learned to stop hanging around certain people on my own.

The whippings did little except provide temporary pain, week-long discomfort and making me angry. My dad was raised to believe that when a child acts up.. that is what you're supposed to do. So I rarely got sit-down talks unless my mother managed to get to me first or when she wasn't tied up by the hours of her job.

If I'm to ever have children of my own.. I just can't see myself ever physically harming them in such a way in order to "teach" them how to act better. In some circumstances when appropriate to spank a child, sure, or take things away, but otherwise I'd rather talk to them and try to sort out the issue.

So, my questions being, what form of discipline did you go through as a child and if it were physical, did it actually help with your misbehavior? What do you feel are more appropriate forms of discipline for children? To those of us that have children themselves, how do you feel about disciplining a child? Do you discipline your children, and how?

 

[Aions]

I was never beaten as a child and i think i turned out to soft.
I cant stand kids any way

 

[Hermit]

Looking at it right now, it did very little to set me straight in my youth and found myself simply being a lot more clever to avoid said whippings.

You didn't have my mom then

Just by looking into your eyes, she can see every wrong thing you've done. There was no escaping, it was like she had eyes everywhere. I remember once I called her from a friend's house to let her know I'd be coming home, and when I got home she smacked me. She somehow knew I had been acting up and throwing rocks at people's houses.

She's probably got superpowers

Would explain how I'm so cool

 

[HobbeBrain]

I was never beaten or anything, although I did get the occasional smacked bottom (yes really).

When I was younger and I was trying to do something and my parents told me not to and I could foreseeable reason not to do it and I thought they were dicks.

Sometimes I think "Well, I turned out alright eventually, so maybe what they did actually helped in the long run"

However they still do try and stop me doing things sometimes when there is literally no foreseeable reason not to and I still think they're dicks (sometimes) so I don't know if I just brought myself up in spite of them.

 

[Arseface]

Smacking makes sense for young kids when they're just ****ing around. My parents used it on me, and it taught me there were consequences when I tried to push boundaries too much. I never believe in anything more than a light open hand on the butt though. Anything above that is pretty much child abuse and is ****ed.

I think smacking stops working as soon as you get in to the more complex misbehaviour, and once a kid gets older. Sometimes you have to get creative to solve a problem, and once they're at the age where they can reason, you reason the **** out of them.

 

[Tsuyu]

I wasn't beaten nor would I ever consider it a valid method. Time outs a la Super Nanny seems to work and isn't barbaric.

 

[ScareCrowReturn]

I got hit when I was kid, wooden spoon or just an open hand on my ass or on my hand. Back then I was scared ****less and it did end up preventing me from doing stupid annoying kid things after finding out the hard way.

If I have kids, ill probably smack them, open hand, on the hand.. In NZ it is illegal to smack now, any physical contact that can be taken as Beating/Smacking your child, you can go to jail, im not sure what its like in other countries..

In NZ its really bad (Not being racist, going on majority of stories) But alot of Maori/Polynesian people in NZ beat their kids, and some just take it too far and kill their new born children, its f*cking horrible and disgusting how they do it sometimes..

Ill try find some articles for you and post them later so you get what I mean..

 

[Tsuyu]

Yet you still say that you will probably hurt your children.

 

[Angel]

Physical discipline is something that, in my opinion, should only be used within a certain age range and within certain contexts. For me I was smacked as a kid for the 3 D's: Disrespect, Disobedience and Dangerous behaviour. Anything I did that fell under those three categories warranted a warning first and then a smack on the backside. As my dad put it, "it's padded there for a reason". One smack only - not repeated ones.

Smacking should only be done when the parent is calm, not angry, as a rush of adrenaline can give a person more strength than they realise. The aim of the punishment should be to teach consequences when a child is not of an age to have a nice sit-down with and a sensible chat - it's also the short sharp shock that gives a child pause for thought when about to come to serious harm. I would rather smack my kids on the hands than let them stick them in sockets or fires.

It also depends on the child. Time-outs are all very well and good - if the child responds to them accordingly. They are not all the same (although, being small, they do appear to be identical) and I know for my kids especially, certain things work and certain things don't.

With Jessica, all it took was a raised eyebrow and a "look" or a raised voice. She did get smacked and even now, just me counting to 3 is enough to send her speeding towards whatever task I have asked of her. I stopped smacking as an option when she got to 5 because with that sort of discipline, a child can become humiliated by it once they are aware of themselves more and their surroundings - the idea is not to break them down, just their desire to misbehave. Before a certain age, a child is not capable of resentment and embarrassment and that's the only real time you can utilise that sort of punishment.

Jake has a very high pain threshold and limited comprehension. Therefore, we do things very differently with him. Time-outs are not especially safe unless he's in a room where we can see him at all times with no raised surfaces or anything he can harm himself on. We tried the whole "naughty step" thing but he just thought it was a game and liked it, so kind of pointless. Physically restraining him from doing what he wants or taking his things away seems to have more of an effect but this may have to change as he gets older and stronger. It's a learning curve with him, I guess.

I don't like Supernanny - not least because she isn't a parent herself. There's only so much advice I will take from a person who has not got any first-hand experience of raising a child. My sister is a nanny and a very good one at that but it wasn't until she had her own kid that she fully appreciated the difficulties that come with the emotional attachment to your child. Also, a lot of the parents I see on that show are either dysfunctional, workaholics or try and "talk" to their errant toddler in rather complex terms about the rights and wrongs of their actions as though they were adults too. In many ways, a child is like a dog - they need strict boundaries and a strong sense of who is in charge in order to develop well. Asserting your authority is essential as a parent and when you try and be all pally pally with them at an early age, you lose that role and the lines become blurred.

 

[Tsuyu]

I think it is quite unfair to diss Supernanny for not having children of her own as she obviously HAS a lot of experience with children. I'm not a fan or nothing, but from the episodes I have seen it looks like her methods works. She's like Ceasar though; it is as much about rehabilitating dog owners (or parents) as it is fixing dogs (or children).

 

[Skotekal]

Dunno, beatings really didn't do anything for me. But that was usually because I was too stupid to learn from them :lol:

 

[Quistrix]

I was never physically disciplined, only verbally whenever I did misbehave - which wasn't often. The sound of my mother shouting was the scariest thing ever as a child. Man, could that woman roar.

My grandad made use of his belt though, never on me, because my granny wouldn't allow it. Having gold, ringletted hair and blue eyes as a kid totally made you look innocent. Sadly, my brunette siblings didn't have the same luck. They would actually troll my grandad into rage and run away giggling as he thundered after them swinging his belt around.

I don't have kids, but I do have a niece that I'm very close to and I have had to discipline her a few times. Never physically, I mostly tell her off verbally, threaten to punish her by making her just sit there quietly with no toys or TV and if she still continues to misbehave, carry out the threat. Boredom is more terrifying to a kid. She's a pretty good kid though and usually listens after the telling off.

Another thing I like to do is threaten her with having to spend time with Granny, and Granny just isn't as cool as Aunty Queen. I think it's why she listens to me more easily than others, aside from the fact that the kid clearly adores me, misbehaving would just make her look lame in front of cool Aunty Queen.

 

[ScareCrowReturn]

Yet you still say that you will probably hurt your children.

At the most, a smack on the hand, From when I was kid, I felt that I learnt alot and stop misbehaving after I got that.. But I wouldn't just smack them, i'd talk to them and explain to them afterwards why they got a smack..

Obviously ill try not to, but if it came down to it, that'd be all.

But then I guess.. Thats how it all starts, they say they're only going to do that, then it just escalates and they end up severely hurting their kid..

 

[Tsuyu]

A common misconception is that you teach the child that what they did was "wrong".

It doesn't.

It teaches them that action A will lead to physical punishment. The child doesn't understand the reason why it was punished at such a young age. Like beating a dog or other animal - which is often a criminal and moral offense in the civilized world. It teaches the child "Don't do that because I'll hurt you if you do" NOT "Don't do that because it is a naughty thing to do".

How anyone can consider it a viable child rearing method is beyond me.

 

[TRA Rotid]

nvm, misread

 

[Angel]

I think it is quite unfair to diss Supernanny for not having children of her own as she obviously HAS a lot of experience with children. I'm not a fan or nothing, but from the episodes I have seen it looks like her methods works. She's like Ceasar though; it is as much about rehabilitating dog owners (or parents) as it is fixing dogs (or children).

I'm not disputing her skills as a nanny whatsoever. But don't forget we only see the occasions when her methods WORK. They don't show her leaving a house in exasperation because a family is just too much to handle. And parenting is VERY different to nannying because of the complex bond between parent and child. And yes, for a lot of kids Supernanny's methods will have an effect but it isn't one size fits all. Same with Caesar - I remember trying his method with our dog to stop it barking...dog damn near took my hand off every time. It simply was not the correct method for that particular hellhound although it worked perfectly on the TV for a dog of the same breed. The danger with Supernanny and other programmes like that is that people can rely, once more, on someone else doing the parenting without ever figuring out what makes their own child tick. You can spend hours a day forcing your kid to sit on the naughty step and wonder why it's not working...truth is, your kid may not respond to that sort of punishment.

Discipline is something parents need to agree on prior to having kids, I think. Because one person may think smacking is the way and another may think something different and if you don't agree then the kid is quick to pick up on that and that in itself causes problems. Whether one agrees with smacking or not, I think parents need to figure out which method(s) of discipline work for their particular child - if the step works, great. If grounding works, great. If the occasional smack when things are really out of line works, great. But I think the real problems begin when the outside world starts putting sanctions on how parents discipline their kids without offering support for alternative methods and then moan the condition of "kids today". Parents may well need to learn, but someone has to be willing to teach them and support them in real and practical ways.

Ok, so question for everyone: How do you handle the following scenario?

You're a parent (don't worry, this isn't prophetic, just an illustration ). You've had about 3 hours of sleep due to a crying baby and the other half has gone to work for the day. You have a three year old and a nine month old. You've got to get both of them to the doctor for an appointment which cannot be rescheduled and you have no car at your disposal. Both children are being utterly non-compliant this morning and it takes half an hour longer than usual to get them ready. Finally you get one in the buggy, one in the walking reins and you set out.

Baby is still grizzly from last night and kicks off full throttle. Toddler starts griping because of the reins and doesn't want to walk. She sits down on the pavement and refuses to move any further, kicking and shouting. You are now late for your appointment and people are looking at you, commenting and generally making you feel like a crap parent. Baby is getting louder and you realise now she needs feeding very soon. Toddler is now lying on the floor, kicking and yelling and will not move.

You yourself are tired, drained, stressed out and not at all in a particularly friendly frame of mind. You're not near anyone you know to pop in, you don't have your mobile phone with you and it's just started to rain.

How do you deal with the above, keeping in mind your current state in yourself as well as the external factors. And be realistic, not idealistic. This isn't a "anti/pro-smacking" exercise - I'm genuinely interested in seeing how different people would react to the same situation and what methods (if any) you would use to combat what is actually a very frequent occurrence in most parents' lives.

 

[Tsuyu]

I'd probably throw myself infront of traffic.

 

[Angel]

I'd probably throw myself infront of traffic.

Yup. Me too.

 

[ScareCrowReturn]

A common misconception is that you teach the child that what they did was "wrong".

It doesn't.

It teaches them that action A will lead to physical punishment. The child doesn't understand the reason why it was punished at such a young age. Like beating a dog or other animal - which is often a criminal and moral offense in the civilized world. It teaches the child "Don't do that because I'll hurt you if you do" NOT "Don't do that because it is a naughty thing to do".

How anyone can consider it a viable child rearing method is beyond me.

But some children just dont get it, if you tell them what they're doing wrong and that it is wrong, they still dont get it, Im not saying physical punishment is good, and i'd only personally do it in, say, dire need, but it reminds them its bad and they'll get punished for it, whether they understand or not..

Because I got hit, I may understand it better? Im not sure, but from my view, a slap on the hand isn't too bad..

But yeah, time out and separating them from things they love and enjoying doing is a much better way to handle things..

 

[HobbeBrain]

How do you deal with the above, keeping in mind your current state in yourself as well as the external factors. And be realistic, not idealistic. This isn't a "anti/pro-smacking" exercise - I'm genuinely interested in seeing how different people would react to the same situation and what methods (if any) you would use to combat what is actually a very frequent occurrence in most parents' lives.

My aunt once told me of a similar story in which her and her son (my cousin) was about 3 and yelling that he wanted sweets on the floor, screaming, crying, you know the sort of thing. Anyway, she was getting embarrassed due to people looking so do you know what she did?

She began screaming and crying on the floor as well.

And my cousin stopped because he was so shocked and they left the shop after buying everyone and calmly went home.

So that's exactly what I'd do in that situation.